Photo: Annaliese Meyer

Cut the string mother%$#@er

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By Annaliese Meyer

I don’t care who you are, it is not cool to string someone along. Let’s get real, the “we’re just friends” routine is tired and is secretly code for “they’re never gonna get a taste of my sweet nectar.” I am officially calling bullshit on this defence.

Sure perhaps you really do enjoy playing Mario Kart into the wee hours together, maybe they do get your particular brand of humour and maybe their foot rubs are da bomb. However, there is something very dark lying at the bottom of this friendship well. I am referring to the subtle ritual that appears when one strings another along. This ritual is cyclical and plays itself out with the need to be desired, being desired, reveling in it, then rejecting it, time and time again. Thus, its origin is vanity and its finale is cruelty. Are you scared? You should be.  

I know, these “friends” wide moon eyes often cast a glow upon your heart whispering sweet tales of how beautiful, funny and interesting you are making it difficult not to indulge a little. However, the relationships we hold with people we are stringing along tend to be one-sided. In the obvious sense, because we do not feel the same romantic inclinations as our counterparts, but also because these people do not challenge us intellectually or emotionally. They simply tell us what we want to hear. I implore you to finally cut the string and let that butterfly fly free, hopefully towards someone who’s finally going dice their tomatoes and make a little spicy salsa!

The cutting process does not have to be dramatic. It definitely should not be a “we need to talk” situation, because if you do that you’ll look like a tool. Instead there are subtle distancing tactics that can delicately inform your “friend” that you do not consider them a romantic candidate.

Firstly, you shall not invite this friend into your sacred space, like your apartment or bedroom. Sure, you can have a pal from school that you grab a coffee with but as soon as you let them in your sacred space that Cranberries song Ode To My Family will begin to play in their head as they examine all your cool shit. They’ll see pictures on your wall and ask you questions about your family and your dog Pogo who died in a tragic Ski-Doo accident. This leads to deep conversations that dig you in deeper with this person; so keep it light.

Secondly, avoid confiding in this person about your problems. OK, if they’re literally the only person you have that you truly trust to purge all your anxiety then I’ll give you a pass. But most of the time, there is someone like a family member or a friend who is completely platonic that you can share your troubles with. Confiding in your “friend” can cause him or her to want to use sexual healing to comfort you. Which is bad…

Thirdly, don’t be that guy or girl who says things like, “we do everything together!” You know who you are. You, who drags your friend about town to get banana smoothies and sneakers on sale. That’s just cruel. Hangout with your dad instead. He’ll have some real wisdom to share.

Finally, limit the amount you text your “friend.” The last thing they need are constant reminders of their unrequited love buzzing near their genitalia.

I know it will be hard. Life is hard sometimes, but if we seek out all that is hard we can end up learning a lot more about ourselves, and hurt less innocent souls. So please cut away, and revel in the virtue of utter loneliness.

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