Illustration: Skyler Ash

Lindsay’s Advice: Winter blues

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By Lindsay Christopher

If the winter blues are getting to you and you don’t know what to do to pass the time, I’ve got the perfect five step plan for the rest of winter.

Step One: Bundle up one day and walk to the closest grocery store. Stock up on fatty foods, and carbohydrates like nuts, bread and pasta. Frozen dinners and popcorn should also be near the top of your list. Remember, you want to pack on the weight. The more fat you have on your body the warmer you will stay. Make sure you buy enough food to last you until late April. Once you have enough food to last you until (actual) spring you’re ready for step two.

Step Two: Make a bunch of pasta. Lasagna, fettuccini, penne, whatever you prefer. Keep enough in the fridge for the next week and freeze whatever is left. Put the bread in the freezer too.

Step Three: Now that you’ve taken care of your food it’s time to do something about your shelter. Yes, one warm blanket is enough for the fall, but winter is at its strongest right now and one blanket just won’t do. Pull out all your sheets and blankets and create a house of warmth. If you have a headboard on your bed this is easy. If not, utilize your kitchen chairs and other furniture.

Make sure your shelter can reach from your heater to your bed. It should include your TV, and I would suggest making a series of tunnels that reach to the fridge and microwave. The blankets will keep in the warmth, and there are no windows so you can’t be affected by the weather.

Step Four: Forget about school. It’s not worth the risk of going outside. Accept the fact that you won’t see your friends or family for the next month and a half. Call or text whoever you need to before moving to step five.

Step Five: You are now in full hibernation mode. Netflix should be streaming from your television 24/7. The blankets have accepted you as one of their own, so you should not leave your bed for very long. When you have to get food use the elaborate tunnel system to make it to and from the kitchen without the cold effecting you. You’ve already cooked all your food so just microwave a container of pasta and make some toast.

Hibernation works for squirrels and bears, so I’m sure it will work for humans too.

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