Photo: Chris Blanchette

No serious damage done to either party after nerd fight

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By Ian Yamamoto

Reports state an altercation between two high school dweebs resulted in zero injuries on either side. At lunch period, 16-year-olds Spencer Prince and Dooley Rice of Jarvis Collegiate Institute engaged in a heated argument over which X-Woman would make a better wife, Kitty Pryde or Jean Grey.

“Neither boy technically kicked, shoved, or punched, but they did flail their body parts in a hostile manner,” said gym teacher Curtis Sutherland. “Both cleverly targeted each other’s glasses using a swatting technique, in an attempt to effectively blind the other. And it worked.”

Sutherland said that after both pairs of glasses were knocked off, “accuracy took a nosedive.” The two of them slapped at air for about 30 seconds until, “the heavier boy was getting tired quicker, so he smartly changed strategy and started lumbering forward.”

He used his superior size and weight to corner the smaller boy in a bank of vending machines. |At this point, the smaller boy knew he had lost, so he adopted a defensive egg pose. Then … it was the strangest thing. The heavier boy just pressed himself into the smaller boy, as if he were trying to absorb him. It was getting weird, so I broke it up,” said Sutherland.

Fellow student Bobby James said, “Normally it’s exciting to watch a fight, but not this time. Their faces were all red and splotchy, and they were teary-eyed. I actually got kind of concerned when one of them, Spencer I think, started wheezing. He’s for sure an asthmatic.”

At press time, both young men were signed up for martial arts programs to boost confidence and make friends.

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