This bitch needs your money.

Photo: Jake Scott

GoFundMe, bitch

In Fun & SatireLeave a Comment

Reading Time: 2 minutes

By Skyler Ash

A Ryerson student is raising money to help keep her swear jar full.

Amanda Goliath, a third-year philosophy student, has “a fondness for foul language” and needs money so she can keep swearing in her apartment. Goliath has raised over $20,000 in just 17 days, and the dough keeps rolling in.

In January, Goliath’s roommates, Lilly Driver and Casey Rype, made her start a swear jar after an “unfortunate incident.”

Driver had her parents over for dinner at the apartment and Goliath began “swearing like a sailor” after Driver’s mother said she needed some salt.

“Do you really need the fucking salt?” said Goliath. “Does anyone really need anything? Or are our needs just fake-ass arbitrary constructs that society conditions us to seek out and obey like little sons of bitches?”

Driver said that Goliath went on a philosophical swearing tangent that forced her parents to make awkward excuses to go home. “They said they had to go breathe on their plants,” said Driver. “Which is such a lie. They do that on Tuesdays, not Fridays.”

Driver and Rype installed a swear jar in the living room of their apartment that Goliath had to put 25 cents in to anytime she uttered a dirty curse word.

In just three days, the jar had $157.50, meaning that Goliath had sworn 630 times. “Most of that was just before 10 a.m.,” said Rype.

“They’re being so fucking petty,” said Goliath. “Sometimes I swear, it’s not like it’s a fucking crime.”

Two weeks after the jar was installed, Driver and Rype upped the price of swearing five times. “The cost of swearing went from a paltry 25 cents to two fucking dollars!” said Goliath. “Two mother fucking dollars!”

Rype said they use the money from the jar and donate it to a local charity called Stop Swearing 4 Kids. “They take the money and give it to local children who stop swearing. Such a beautiful cause,” she said.

“It’s a fucking stupid cause is what it is,” said Goliath. “All my hard-earned money going to stupid little children! It’s a fucking joke.”

On average, Goliath said she swears 60 times a day, which means she puts about $200 into the jar on a daily basis. “This jar is costing me a shit ton of money that I don’t have.” Goliath went into debt in mid-March. “I can’t pay for this shit anymore.”

With all the money from her GoFundMe page, Goliath said she can continue to pay for her swear jar for about 100 more days. “I can probably go on for a lot longer,” said Goliath. “People are very sympathetic towards my cause, because they fucking should be.”

Leave a Comment