Fucks given: zero. Aboslutely zero.

Photo: Skyler Ash

How to have zero shame

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By Skyler Ash

Do you ever feel ashamed of yourself? Well, you should. You’ve got plenty of reasons to, but just forget about those. At least for now. Not forever, but for now. We do a lot of questionable things when we’re small children masquerading as adults, trying to pretend we’ve got our lives together. So here are four ways to have zero shame, because you could really use some help.

1. Stop overthinking it all. You know when your eyes sort of glaze over and you stare out the window and you look like someone who’s just learned important government secrets and is deciding which side to share them with but really all you’re thinking about is whether or not you seemed sloppy when you wore the same pants two days in a row? Stop doing that. It’s not helping anyone. And as long as you didn’t wear the same shirt, you look fine.

2. Give fewer fucks. Giving fucks takes up a lot of energy, energy you could be using on more important things, like eating, sleeping or watching movie trailers when you should be writing essays. And you know what? If you want to watch movie trailers instead of writing your essay, that’s fine. Just stop caring and the rest just sort of goes away. Or it manifests itself later in life and will eventually hurt you, your family and your marriage and WALLACE JUST PLEASE COME BACK, I SAID I’M SORRY!

3. Fight back. You know in those old movies when the grouchy old woman says, “you should be ashamed of yourself!” and the main character slinks away in shame? Don’t be the person to slink away into the night, stand up for yourself! If someone ever speaks to you like that, fire back with, “No, YOU should be ashamed of yourself for thinking you’re allowed to speak to me, you two-bit old fanny! Who do you think you’re talking to, you punk? Huh? Do you know how many things I’ve achieved in life? I’ve got plans and I’ve got dreams and I’ll be damned if going to the store to buy chips in my adult onesie is what holds me back in life!”

4. Shrug it off. Did something you shouldn’t have? Whatever. Said something you didn’t mean in the moment but thought it was too late to take back but realize you probably should? It’s too late now. Leave the oven on and then went out for a hot night on the town? Not your problem (until the fire department arrives). There are moments in life when you’ve just got to let things slide. Take advantage of those moments and let them slip-slide away, because do you really care? Probably not.

Or you could just stop doing things that you’re ashamed of. But where’s the fun in that?

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