Photo: Annaliese Meyer

How to tackle summer like a boss

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By Annaliese Meyer

The end is nigh, or if you’re like me the end happened a month ago and you’ve just been puppeteering your body through the rest of the semester. That’s OK though, you’ve burnt the wick at both ends, or so your mother tells you. Anyway, being a shell of a human is the main component of adulthood so pat yourself on back, your child like wonder has almost entirely faded away like Marty McFly when playing Johnny b Good! Plus, summer is slowly approaching so it’s time to tug at the string that controls your hand with carpal tunnel and take some notes. I’ve compiled a list of summer must dos and don’ts!

Lay in your bed all day for three days straight. Get up for a walk and a bathroom break so your walls don’t begin to talk or pee in jars like Howard Hughes, but seriously you deserve it! This walk I speak of must be aimless, and if you can, try slipping off your shoes and feeling the warm sidewalk on your feet. There is simply nothing better than the feeling of warm cement on flesh that’s been concealed for an entire Canadian winter.

Don’t sleep with your ex. Even if it’s on a plaid wool blanket, on a beach, with a full moon, which I know is every human’s collective sex fantasy. Though within the few seconds it took me to write that my feelings have changed. If your ex wrangled up a plaid wool blanket and managed to lure you to the beach they’re probably really cool! But settle for nothing less. If the blanket is 50 per cent rayon slowly inch behind the curtain of a willow tree and wait it out. They’ll get the picture.

Do wear an outfit Rihanna wear would if she were prepping for a night of dancing in front of a mirror. Keep it sexy as hell people, and a little blue eyeshadow never hurt anyone. If you’re a male, try dressing like Jaden Smith. That’s right, throw on a gender neutral kilt of some sort. Your moxy will entice only the best and most beautiful socially progressive women. Plus, easy access and all.

Don’t go to the bar featured on some blog that looks like Dracula listened to too much house music then opened a club to sit in the corner of, bob his undead head and stalk fresh fleshed mistresses that have cherry lips and warm hearts. Eat a pizza and drink a bottle of wine on a stoop with friends instead. Listen to birds chirp and then tuck yourself in at the ripe hour of 11 p.m. Your body is a temple, treat it as such.

Do forget about school. Read what you want.

Don’t think about grades. Just bask in the last stretch of your youth! Which, let’s get real, is your whole life if you let it be.

Do have a séance. The undead have a lot of wisdom to share! Imagine what they’d say if you could tell them about how scared you are to finish university, or to enter into a relationship, or tell your friend you miss them. I hear imagination is a cool human quality. Also, fire is cleansing. Grab some wine and some trinkets that hold evil memories, make up a spell and cast it upon yourself.  

Cry if you want to. Smile if you want to. Don’t adhere to what others want from you. Especially if it’s a work boss who forces their ideologies on you. You can type just as well without a Joker smile plastered to your face.

And lastly, do everything that’s scary and uncomfortable. I hear that’s how we grow as humans. Since summer is warm and welcoming, and the sun is always there for you when it doesn’t work out, there isn’t a better time to take chances.

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