By The News Team
A 22-year-old was killed on Gould Street this week in what was a grotesque display of gluttony and hyper-extended limbs.
Sean Wetselaar, local boy and editor-in-chief of The Eyeopener, was killed running into the middle of Gould Street after he was told by news editor Al Downham there was “a french fry convention out there.”
Wetselaar, who is widely known for his obsessive love of fried potatoes, got his long-ass arm stuck in the door as he was sprinting through the doors of the Student Campus Centre (SCC) all whilst coiffing his hair frantically with his other hand.
Wetselaar’s arm stretched to an unprecedented length of 10 feet before he was finally stopped in his tracks — just inches before the french fries.
Bystanders started fainting at the site of his overstretched limbs.
“I’ve seen Braveheart, so I thought I knew what a racking looked like,” said a really manly student leader. “The real world didn’t prepare me for this.”
Wetselaar then pried his arm loose and began waving it around the street like some sort of urban antelope bent on potato-y massacre. He had still not unglued his other hand from the the top of his hair — which he was still coiffing.
“I like fries just as much as anybody else, not a weird amount or anything,” Wetselaar said as he voraciously gorged his unhinged, anaconda-like mouth with fries.
When asked what prompted beating dozens of students with a 10-foot arm to get to their french fries, all Wetselaar had to say was, “more em-dashes people!”
Just as the fry fiasco was beginning to calm down, incoming Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi walked past Wetselaar, speaking about, “making Ryerson the innovation hub of the country.”
This caused Wetselaar to begin projectile vomiting fries in disgust. His guts, hopes and dreams were expelled from his body in a symphony of fried root vegetable.
“There was potato everywhere,” said news editor Keith Capstick in the quirkiest and most random way possible. “It was lit.”
Wetselaar’s hollowed-out body can be found in front of The Score’s 500 King St. W. location, used as a wacky-waving-inflatable-arm-flailing-tube man.