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Students giving fewer fucks, study finds

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By Skyler Ash

A recent poll showed that 70 per cent of Ryerson students are “already done” with school just over a week in.

“We were shocked to learn how many students don’t enjoy being here,” said Ian Myers, the lead researcher on the study. Myers said that initial predictions for the number of dissatisfied students were “in the hundreds,” not the thousands that the results showed.

The factors contributing to student dissatisfaction with school were commuting times, assigned readings, the humidity and the annoying positive energy of first-years.

Simone DeSilva, a fourth-year business management student, said she lost her love of school about three months into her first year. “I’ve been kind of over the whole university thing for a while, but my parents are paying and the parties are alright, so that’s why I’m still here.”

Myers said he found some “disturbing” data patterns, showing that students simply don’t give a fuck anymore. Myers said that not giving a fuck will, “only increase with time spent at school.”

DisputableData, the research team led by Myers, calculated that students give 30 per cent fewer fucks for every year spent in school. “There is no current solution for this ever-growing problem,” said Myers.

Morgan Tate, an associate professor in the English department, said she was not surprised with the results. “My first class was half-full of third years who spent almost the entire class on their phone, silently weeping.” Tate said she’s never seen morale this low. “Maybe I’ll show a movie next class, just to spice things up.”

“I guess I’m pretty excited to be here!” said Antoine Pope, a first year student in RTA. “I mean, I’ve been pushed into a few of those lockers in Kerr Hall and have been openly scoffed at by older kids, but I feel like that’ll stop soon. I hope.”

In an effort to make students happier, the Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) president, Obaid Ullah, said the RSU is planning another concert for late September. “Maybe another appearance from Drake will keep their spirits up until fall reading week, when they can do their brooding and crying at home.”

“The numbers don’t lie,” Myers said, “the longer you’re in school, the worse you feel.”

Comments

  1. I think that there is a possible solution to this problem. Students need to re-consider their motives for attending university. Are they attending in hopes of achieving their own future goals, or are they attending because it is a societal expectation for people to earn a degree? If school does not drive someone’s interests and if they’re not happy then maybe school is not the place for them.

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