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Ask Yustin: How to get that hottie to notice you

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Dear Yustin,

There’s a cutie in my lecture that I always sit behind. I really want to talk to them, but I’m scared they won’t like me. You played a suave sophomore in Kung Fu Dreaming: The College Years. How do I get them to notice me?

Sincerely,

Lovesick


Dear Lovesick,

People like to be surprised. They also like to know that you care about them. I don’t like to brag, but I’ve been on like five dates, so I know. Follow these steps exactly:

  1. Buy gorilla costumes for you and five of your friends.
  2. When the object of your affection is in class, burst in with your buddies (wearing the gorilla costumes, of course), grab that dreamboat and drag them out of class. Shout things like, “If I see any police, I’ll kill this little shit!” This has to be authentic.
  3. Put a bag on that honey’s head and throw them into the trunk of a car, saying nothing. Drive for at least 25 minutes, making quick turns and going at various speeds to confuse the hot dish in your trunk.
  4. When you get to a wide open space, drag the fox in your trunk out and force them to walk with you for at least a kilometre. Ignore their pleas for mercy.
  5. Once you’re satisfied that boo is scared shitless, take the bag of their head and point a gun at their face. Ask them if they’re feeling lucky.
  6. As soon as the moment is right, reach behind your back and in one fluid motion, pull of your gorilla mask and reveal the bouquet of flowers you’ve been holding. Ask your bae if they want to go get froyo with you. Hot people like froyo.

Your stunner will be thrilled that they’re alive and that you went to all this effort to ask them out. They’ll say yes for sure and likely fall in love with you immediately.

-Yustin

Reach out to Yustin on Twitter at @AskYustin for help with all your problems, because you have a lot.

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