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Illustration: Izabella Balcerzak

How to tell your parents you’re going to fail your class

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By Skyler Ash

It’s that point in the semester where you’ll know whether or not you’re going to pass your classes, no matter how hard you work. Here’s how to break the news to your parents.

1. Supply them with tissues.

They might cry, you might cry, your neighbours will cry, then the dog will start. The world weeps with you, so grab some Kleenex.

2. Bring snacks.

Breaking bad news can be hard to do and hard to hear, so slap a plate of snickerdoodles down in front of mom and dad so they can drown their sorrows in all that cinnamony goodness.

3. Deflect the blame.

Start off by saying that your teacher is a hard marker; it makes you look like you tried your hardest whilst alleviating some blame off of yourself. Also, toss in that nobody in the class is doing well because then you’ll look like less of a failure.

4. Bring up your busy schedule.

“Maybe if I wasn’t taking 10 classes this semester, I would have done better,” you say. “You’re taking 10 classes? I thought it was only five,” your mom will say. “That’s not relevant mom, let’s move on,” you say.

5. Say you tried your hardest.

This is the cherry on top, because no parent can be angry at their kid after they say they tried their hardest. Make sure you look as innocent as possible when you say this, or else it won’t work.

6. Tell a joke.

By now it has probably gotten a little awkward and quiet, considering you just failed a class that you (or your parents) paid a lot of good money for. Now is the time to whip out a good joke. Cleanse the silence with an old classic, like, “Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crummy! Hahaha, please help me seek medical attention.”

And that’s how it’s done! If they are still angry, cut them out. You don’t need that negativity in your sad life.

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