Illustration: Devin Jones

Sun on vacation, leaves Rye students in the dark

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By Lyba Mansoor

The Sun, a former Ryerson astronomy student, dropped out of school to pursue his love for travelling, putting thousands of Torontonians at peril.

The Sun, or Sun as his friends call him, decided that school could wait but his passion for travelling was not something he could put on hold any longer.

“I know that people depend on me to like, live and stuff, but isn’t my happiness more important than that? I just want to like travel and find myself, you know?”said Sun.

Sun was spotted last week vacationing with the Obamas in the British Virgin Islands. Sources say he and Malia Obama have a “blossoming” romance. Malia was overheard calling him “the hottest thing in our solar system.”

Since Sun’s vacation began in early January, Toronto has seen a record low month of sunshine.

Shannon Kissoon, the world’s leading expert on climate change, said Sun’s “leave of absence is catastrophic to any living organisms on the earth.”

Kissoon explained that plant life in Toronto, and around the world, retains heat well, which has prevented earth from falling into a deep freeze since Sun’s departure.

Kissoon said despite this, if Sun continues his “eat, pray, love” journey, planet earth will stop rotating around Sun’s gravitational pull and “fly off into a straight line into outer space. If this happened, it’s unclear what would become of earth.”

“This isn’t about the fate of humanity, it’s about my personal happiness. I know I’m the star of the show or whatever, but I just need some time off,” Sun said in response to earth’s impending doom.

It’s unlikely Sun will cut his vacation short. He intends on returning come the end of the school year, whether or not that is too late is unclear.

“Earth’s future is not looking so bright,” said Kissoon.

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