By Skyler Ash
*Q stands for question, A stands for answer (obviously)
After spending an “exorbitant amount of money” on some very sub-par soup, I decided to have a sit-down interview with myself about how I felt about the whole ordeal.
Q: What kind of soup was it?
A: It was a kale/carrot/onion concoction. It looked healthy, I really wanted soup and my friends wanted to leave the grocery store, so I had to act fast. I regret it more than that time I decided to play soccer in the fifth grade.
Q: And you paid how much for this soup?
A: Like 10 fucking dollars! I’m outraged in the third degree. My friends are worried, my therapist is calling my parents and my dog hasn’t been able to look at me the same way since I’ve started having temper tantrums every time a spoon comes near my face.
Q: What did it taste like?
A: Like old water! You know when you leave water in your bottle for too long and it tastes… stale? Yeah, that’s the right word. But I put it in the freaking microwave! So it was a stale heat. With kale.
Q: Tell me about that first bite.
A: I’m not going to lie, there was a lot of hope before that first bite. And a lot of hype, as I was pretty pumped I was about to have soup. But when I picked that piping hot glass container out of the microwave and brought the spoon to my lips… I’ve never felt like that before. I felt cheated and dirty and like—like I could never trust again. Like I could never love again…
Q: Did you eat it all?
A: No! Contrary to popular belief, I don’t love to hate myself, despite how self-deprecating I come off as (which is very). I sat down with that sad bowl of soup in front of me and shovelled it back with some of the soup crackers I had bought. If I didn’t have those crackers, I would have died, probably.
Q: How are you feeling now, a week and a half later?
A: Honestly, I’m still pretty pissed. I freaking love soup, and I just still can’t believe this happened. The leftover bit that I didn’t want to finish is still sitting in the fridge at The Eyeopener office. If anyone wants it, head to the Student Campus Centre room 207 to pick it up.