Photo: Izabella Balcerzak

This guy lets Magic-8 Ball make all his decisions

In Fun & Satire /

By Skyler Ash

A Ryerson student is now three weeks into a social experiment where he must use a Magic 8-Ball make all of his life choices.

“It’s going—wait, hold on a sec,” said Greg Orkin, first-year biology, shaking the Magic 8-Ball. “Well, the outlook is not so good, according to the Ball.”

The rules of the experiment deem that every decision Orkin makes must be made with the aide of the Ball. “For example, when I need to find something to watch, I ask the Ball, ‘Oh holy one, can I watch Stranger Things again?’ and it’ll say something like, ‘cannot predict now’, which is pretty inconvenient in a toy that’s supposed to predict things for you.”

He’s been forced to try new food (“falafels! Who would have thought chickpeas could taste so good!”), find new ways to get to school (“I had to steal a kid’s scooter in the first week, which sucked, but it’s not the first time for me”) and he’s been wearing more “provocative” outfits lately (“the Ball doesn’t seem to like pants”).

He started the experiment when his friend, Toby Kinder, found his old Magic 8-Ball on a weekend visit home. “I was just doing some soul searching, ya know, looking through my childhood things just trying to find that part of myself that I had lost, and then it just hit me,” said Kinder. “Literally, the ball flew off my shelf and knocked me out cold on the ground. My parents had to call an ambulance and I was in the hospital for three days.”

After being discharged from the hospital, Kinder suggested that Orkin should use it to make his choices, because “He’s a pretty indecisive dude, so I thought this would help.”

Two days ago, Orkin asked the ball whether or not he should move in with his long-time girlfriend, Ari Penga. “I really wanted to, but I had to check with the ball. When I shook it, it said ‘My sources say no’.” Orkin said he was heartbroken, and that his “beau,” Penga, was outraged as she was standing next to him when the Ball made its decision.

“He’s such an idiot,” said Penga. “We’ve been dating for six years, this is a huge step backwards.”

Things are looking up though, as the Ball said ‘yes definitely’ when Orkin asked it if he should buy Penga some apology chocolates.

“She threw the chocolates in my face, but hey, at least the Ball deemed it OK for me to pick them up off the floor and eat them, so that was pretty sweet.”

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