By Emerald Bensadoun
Roommates. They can be your best friends, your second family, or in some cases Satan reincarnated. You’ve probably heard the horror stories, but fear not! We come to you bearing solutions. Consider these tips integral to making your roommate love you:
1. Buy your roommate a framed photo of yourself as a housewarming gift so they know you’ll always be there for them.
2. Cover the apartment with googly eyes to remind them that you’re always watching.
3. Pack your roommate brown bag lunches every morning to give them before class. Put affectionate notes in them to remind them how much you care.
4. If your roommate wants to have loud sex five feet away from you, that shouldn’t stop you from having fun! Do your best velociraptor impression. Get louder each time. Anytime your roommate asks, put on a straight face and pretend you don’t know what they’re talking about. Never admit to making the noises. Do this until one of you moves out.
5. If your roommate gets home before you, run away while screaming the words “Curse you Perry the Platypus!” Return two days later with an actual platypus. Name it after your roommate.
6. Always insist on tucking them in at night. Offer bedtime stories. Start leaving Robert Munsch books in their room “just in case.”
From all of us at The Eyeopener, good luck! They’re going to love you.