By Lena Green
I am the perfect girlfriend. The best significant other in the whole world. I’m terrific, let me tell you. I mean, I’m not in an actual relationship yet, but that’s neither here nor there.
If you’re wondering how to be like me, a God, and think it might be difficult, what with all of your humanity showing, fear not! The path to enlightenment has never been made easier. By the time you finish reading this, you’ll have the loving, caring, respectful relationship you’ve always wanted – a less rich Donald and Ivanka Trump, if you will. All the makings of a budding relationship … with enough illusions of grandeur.
The first step? Keep yourself shrouded in mystery by always ending your sentences in ellipses… They’ll leave you if you make things too easy for them, and what better way to keep a woman on her toes than keeping her in consistent confusion? Take it from me, I bleed once a month.
Emotions and insecurities are for the weak. Thinking about opening up to your significant other about some problems you might be having at home? Save that shit for Maury Povich. Women like a strong man, and real men don’t cry. Feeling overshadowed by your significant other? Plot their demise from behind the shadows—but also try not to be passive aggressive about it. Don’t forget to smile! Positive communication is the key to any long-term relationship, and you wouldn’t want them to think anything amiss. As a wise Ryersonian opinion article once read, “no tears, no displeasure.”
In a fairy tale romance, there is no room for error when it comes to smothering your s/o with love and affection. I find it best to mimic them in order to learn their every move. Like pets or cars, women need constant attention. Show up at their place of work and on girls-nights-out! If you really want to mark your territory, go ahead and pee on all the furniture.
Still with me? Fantastic. I’m almost done, I swear.
Don’t be afraid to spice things up a little: when they go in for the kiss, go in for the kill instead. Why be a salty Sally when you could be a sweetheart filled with bottled up feelings and pent-up aggression? In this era of modern dating, there’s just no room for negativity.
This next little bit is crucial. Women like to be right. Use the words “I’m sorry,” and use them often. In the wrong even though you might actually be in the right? Apologize! Does she need help selecting an outfit? Don’t bother answering, just repetitively say the word “sorry” over and over to teach her independence. Being “sorry” is a good thing.
What I really mean is, nobody in a happy, healthy relationship is free to act like themselves, much less a regular human being… Remember everybody, there is no “flaw” in “perfect significant other…” And you’re perfect.
To those of you in search of love still reading this article, hat’s off to you! You’re dedicated. Which is why I’ve saved my most important tip for last… Maybe, just maybe, being overconfident is just as fatal as a lack of confidence… If writing this article has taught me anything, it’s that publicly writing articles comparing myself to a relationship guru is probably why I’m single…