Toronto Metropolitan University's Independent Student Newspaper Since 1967

All Fun & Satire

Midterms are coming

By Shakir Rimzy

These are the words of House Ryerson. Many do not heed them. They laugh while enjoying the last bliss of summer. But we always remember, midterms are coming. As the leaves begin to fall, those who fail to understand our words become the victims.

There exists a legend in our house, one that many doubt, but one whose truth is as certain as the pain of a failed grade. Somewhere deep within the bowels of our ancient castle known as Hall of Kerr there exists a creature with the power to protect ourselves from the terrors of the long fortnight to come.

It is a creature so terrible it was sealed deep within our walls, hidden away past the depths and dungeons of the engineering workshops, far below the sweat-cave of the Recreation and Athletics Centre and underneath the catacombs of wherever the basement is.

Legend says this creature—a fearsome dragon, will rise up and spread the one thing we are most afraid of, the one thing that will ensure our survival: Studying.

This studious dragon was sealed away. Only the hero we need, not the one we deserve, will attempt to free the beast.

It is a necessary evil, as when the season approaches, the first of the undead begin their ascension. Their cold, pale skin is a result of their long night of self isolation with only the hard skin of textbooks for company.

As they amass, their hordes will swarm our homes and shops in search of distraction and pleasure. Everywhere we turn, they will be there. They will look like every other person, but their empty, malevolent eyes betray them, for all the hope of passing will have left their bodies.

Even those who believe in the Lord of Blue Light, whose eyes burn in the glow of the computer screen, are no match for the darkness, and shall too join the legion of the undead.

Only a hero of the course, born of notes and unyielding attendance, has the power to stop them. But when the school needed the hero most, they vanished. Hiding behind their great pay wall the lecturers laugh, as the ordinary struggle, wading in the mediocrity of our 2.0 GPAs.

Now our house searches for a new hero to harness the power to defeat the awaiting doom; to free the dragon and ride it across the minds of all the students, spreading the discipline in our bodies to fight what is coming against us and prevail.

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