Photo: Igor Magun

Why is Ryerson fuming?

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By Shakir Rimzy

If this week was your first time on campus, you may be asking yourself, “What the fuck were those giant metal pillars sitting in the middle of the sidewalk on Gould Street?”

The towering cheese graters had been puffing out a constant barrage of steam for over three weeks, leaving students scratching their heads in search of an answer.

Many assumed they were a frosh exhibit created by the engineering faculty, but those claims appeared increasingly doubtful once students realized that the pillars weren’t some gaudy shade of purple.

Others saw it as a more practical demonstration of the faculty’s skills, the pillars acting as the ventilation for a secret reactor that turned engineering students’ tears into usable energy.

The engineering department, however, has denied these accusations, instead suggesting that its power more likely comes from the built-up sadness of the students who spend more than 10 minutes in Kerr Hall.

The faculty of Science estimates that the potential energy from student’s accumulated sadness would be enough to power Egerton Ryerson turning in his grave for the next 30 years, and with enough of a surplus to afford actual equipment for faculty’s building.

The faculty of Economics also refuted this claim, releasing a statement that any profits gained would be sequestered by wasted overhead and management of funds. They ask for the Ted Rogers School of Management (TRSM) to manage the slush fund.

Unfortunately, TSRM was unable to comment, having zero idea what goes on beyond the far, fancy walls of the TRSM building.

In collaboration with grad students, Ryerson’s department of Philosophy believes they are getting close. They have come to the conclusion that the pillars are there to literally vent out the internal pressure that has been building within the school ever since the results of the RSU election.

The urban planning department appears to have the most logical explanation, in agreement with the claim that the pillars are actually a shrine to honour all those students who were fatally struck by motorized vehicles running late to class during the turn of the recent century. The steam emitting from its head is thought to be the souls of the fallen students.

In the meantime, the Ryerson School of Journalism is unable to sort through the mess of different opinions as every theory or claim seems to just be made out of hot air.

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