Illustration: Premila D'Sa

An innovative solution to the SLC elevator crisis

In Fun & Satire /

By Melissa Salamo

Ryerson engineering students are proposing a project promising to make SLC elevators an outdated version of travelling up and down the building. The project is called “Out the Window” and it is an alternative to the “Ordinary and Way Too Slow” method.

With over 35,000 students, the SLC’s elevators always collapse during school days. Students have had enough of it.

“I think they should have thought it through a little bit more. Seriously, four elevators for thousands of students is clearly not working,” said Dana Johnson, a third-year business student.

The SLC elevator issue is even affecting friendships, in some cases tearing them apart.

“Fam, I had been waiting to go down for like 10 minutes, no joke. It was taking way too long so I took a seat, but when the elevator finally got here someone pressed the button to go up and ended up taking the one that was supposed to be for me,” said Daniel Darrell, a second-year engineer student.

While cases like Darrell’s are not unheard of, the problem does not end once the elevator arrives, the real task is fitting yourself and your belongings into an overflowing elevator.

“OK, for real though. Thousands of students, four elevators. I feel like I’m being forced to smell other people’s armpits during my lift adventures,” Johnson said.

To solve the issue, a couple of engineering students have stepped up and are proposing a project that involves installing large trampolines around the building.

Each floor would have a trampoline attached to a new window on the outside with its corresponding number painted on it clearly.

“We are all tired of the lack of efficiency and malfunctions. This is why we are proposing our ‘Out the Window’ project where people will be able to jump from one floor to another,” said David Young, a fourth-year engineering student.

The idea has become popular throughout the student population, however Ryerson staff is not a fan.

“My problem with this project is that one, it’s dumb, and two it’s dumb,” said Angela Hubert, a full-time staff member.

With this very extensive and detailed unofficial reply to the “Out the Window” proposal, students are expressing outrage.

“Why wouldn’t they follow through, it’s the greatest and most efficient solution yet,” said Darrell. “I don’t feel like waiting a lifetime every time I go to the SLC anymore, I’ve got things to do, people to see, duties calling.”

Students are anxiously waiting for a response, but with the “it’s dumb and it’s dumb” unofficial response The Eyeopener has received, it seems like our bodies will decay in the SLC elevators.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

Comments

  1. I tried to bounce the idea off admin a few years ago but they claimed it would never fly . I was up and down over the idea , but decided that we was going to do this ,I wanted the idea to go through the roof . Sadly, I missed the mark with my presentation.

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