Illustration: Sarah Krichel

Five dollar food apparently really exciting

In Fun & SatireLeave a Comment

Reading Time: 2 minutes

By Alanna Rizza

Julianna Jones has been waiting in line for a week so far.

The second-year graphic communications management student has been camping out on Yonge Street along with 10 other students in front of the closed down Sunrise Records store, where the new Yonge Street Warehouse is under construction.

Last month, Warehouse Group announced that another El Furniture Warehouse bar would be opening soon at its new location, just steps from the Ryerson University campus.

“I cannot wait to get inside just so I can freak out that I can’t pay with credit or debit and then have to pay a service fee to take out money from the ATM!” shouted Jones, who is first in line.

She also said once she gets inside, she’s most looking forward to waiting over an hour for the cheap food that will eventually be “stone cold” by the time she eats it.

For Jones, the wait will be worth it because of the bar’s “edgy” atmosphere, specifically the twinkle lights that famously decorate the other Toronto locations.

Gushing, Jones added, “but I’m not waiting for the ‘gram. I’m waiting for the experience.”

She also said she wants to be the first Ryerson student at the new bar because it’ll eventually be “mobbed and maybe even destroyed” by first-years who just want to “hang with their new friends who they’ll probably ignore a year later.”

“I’m pretty edgy. I’ve been in line a whole week by myself because I don’t have good enough friends to do this with me, but I just don’t give a fuck,” she said, adjusting her leather jacket.

Jones said she’s “too cool” to make friends with the other students waiting in line. She wouldn’t clarify if she was joking or not.

First-year business management student Joey Vandertramp has been waiting in line for five days along with his friend Natalia Patricelli who is a first-year journalism student.

“This is the craziest shit I’ve done since I punched all of the lights on my floor in Pitman Hall,” said Vandertramp, who just moved to Toronto two months ago.

Vandertramp and Patricelli, both frequent patrons of the original location on Bloor St. W., said they are thankful to Toronto rapper Drake for the warmer than average temperatures that have made camping outside bearable.

“This is all Drake’s doing, not global warming,” said Patricelli.

The specific date of the bar’s opening is currently unknown, but according to the official Instagram account it’s “soon.”

Praying to Toronto’s beloved 6ix God for a speedy opening, Vandertramp said he’s not at all “cheesed” about having to wait longer.

For now, Ryerson students will be in their tents preparing to wait for who knows how long.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

Leave a Comment