Toronto Metropolitan University's Independent Student Newspaper Since 1967

All Fun & Satire

Frankie Muniz’s 5 Tips for Attaining Success

Lyba Mansoor

Trying to achieve your goals can be an uphill battle, and nobody understands the struggle better than actor Frankie Muniz. Muniz, a Ryerson University grad, was generous enough to sit down with The Eyeopener this week and give us his top five, foolproof tips to attaining success.

  1.     Be Ambitious

Start big. Like really big. You want to go vegan? Alright, no baby steps just dive in. None of that “I’ll ease into it”  mumbo jumbo. If you really want it you have to put your all into it. For example, when I decided I wanted to pursue a career in acting, I knew I wanted to be in critically acclaimed films. I refused to audition for “little” roles. Sure my agent hated me for it, she was all like “Frankie everybody has to start somewhere,” and I was all like, “Well the only place I’ll be starting is the top, nowhere to go but down for me baby.” I didn’t have an agent for much longer, but that’s because she wasn’t a big picture person like myself.

  1.     Don’t strive for success, play hard to get with it

Approach success with a cold indifference that will leave IT thinking about YOU instead of the other way around. There have been dozens of times where I’ve gotten a call offering me a potentially career-altering role, but I never say yes. I always give them the indifferent mumbles of someone who is interested, but not THAT interested. Granted this technique hasn’t really panned out all that well for me so far, see there was this bad incident with the role of Spider-Man… damn that Tobey Maguire…but I know it’ll pay off in the long run!

  1.     What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

I know this sounds a little far-fetched, but I can’t even begin to describe how essential this is. The first near death experience I had was the day before I got the call confirming I got the role of Malcolm in Malcolm in the Middle. Some might chalk this up to coincidence, but I know better. It was my brush with death (a tragic fall from the oak tree in my friend’s yard) that ensured I got the role. I could physically feel the improvement—almost dying had given me this insane rush of power, as though God himself knew I wasn’t to be trifled with. I think getting that role was my prize for having survived the unsurvivable. For good measure, I like to throw myself into dangerous situations after auditioning for roles, because I know success is like a moth to a flame once it catches a whiff of someone who has danced with death.

  1.     Surround yourself with lazy people

Now this is probably the easiest tip of the five to implement in your life, and probably the first thing you should do to get yourself onto the path of success. Surrounding yourself with people who really have no goals, aspirations, willpower or drive is the most fulfilling practice. Just being in their presence makes you feel like you’ve made it, because no matter how bad off you are, you can’t be as bad off as them, which means you are succeeding my friends.

  1.     Watch Frankie Muniz’s filmography from start to finish

I know it may seem like it isn’t, but I promise this is a completely unbiased, 100 per cent foolproof way of succeeding in life. There’s a series of success-inspiring Easter eggs littered throughout all my films that will surely alter your entire life. I can’t just tell you what they are though, you have to watch the films and experience them, look for them, and ultimately practice them.

This is Frankie signing off! Hope my tips were helpful.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

Leave a Reply