Photo: Sarah Krichel

How to train your boyfriend

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By Shakir Rimzy

Hello ladies and gentlemen. Does your man smell like a 30,000 pound fire-breathing lizard? Is he adorable in his own way but lacks the gentleness and sophistication of domestication?

If so, this guide is for you! Change your boyfriend into the man you’ve always wanted with these simple tips:

Step 1: Make a tight leash

The boyfriend in the wild is a proud, strong creature. They fly majestically, soar high and far—but ultimately with their heads above the clouds. To bring these beasts down to earth and make them useful to society, the potential partner must first leash the creature. At first, the rope must be very long, but but the important thing is to make sure the beast is completely unaware that you’re leashing them. You must give your boyfriend enough room make them think they’re under control.

With the passing of time, the creature will grow accustomed to the boundaries you’ve set, boundaries that will grow as small as your desire to continue this farce. If done correctly, and with patience even the smallest patch of sky will feel like the entire world. The beast will be happy to fly in circles.

Once the beast is bound and accustomed to being confined to the space you dictate, you can move on to step two.  

Step 2: Reward good behaviour

Congratulations! You’ve gotten the boyfriend under control. But simply limiting its movements will not be enough for full domestication. You must now attempt to fix the naturally unruly behaviour found in wild boyfriends. You have to teach it not to breathe fire at your friends, roar at your parents, and most importantly not to let other people ride it.

Every boyfriend has its own likes and dislikes that the crafty partner can use to their advantage. Things like the boyfriend’s tendency to play with other wild creatures long into the night, or going dungeon raiding with others masquerading as Heroes and Knights. All the while expecting a warm bed and a tasty snack at the end of it all!

Your boyfriend has to learn that the only way he’s going to get those privileges is to behave properly. With manners.

Step 3: Ride into battle and destroy your enemies

A fully trained boyfriend is an asset that can conquer kingdoms, but a more practical approach is to conquer your parents by presenting them with such a refined, polished and well-trained specimen.

With your boyfriend, you can crush all those who ever doubted your ability to get a man. Make them suffer with the knowledge that they we’re wrong about you, that you really can get a wild beast at your heel.

Step 4: Live happily ever after

This part is the most fun. Basking in the fruits of your labour.

If followed without sustaining third-degree burns, the results will be a perfectly trained boyfriend! You’re welcome.

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