Levitating, narcoleptic student zombies are taking over campus

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By Abbey Kelly

Ryerson University police regret to inform you that an epidemic is spreading across campus, having claimed its first victim yesterday.

Midtermia, most prevalent among college and university students, is a contagious disease that affects the cognitive responses of your brain after prolonged academic stressors. The disease’s usual onset takes place between October and February in adults aged 18-65. Midtermia has no known cure.

Second-year chemistry student Colin Sik showed the symptoms of midtermia before quietly falling victim to the not-so-fatal disease.

“He hadn’t left his room in days,” said his roommate Betty Withers, a second-year physics student. “I tried to lure him out with Kraft Dinner, but when I went in there…” Withers trailed off and stared out the window beside her, the horrors of what she had seen reflecting in her now listless eyes.

Campus police released a statement Wednesday morning that some student groups on campus have already been quarantined due to the large amount of their populace falling ill. Science students like Sik are restricted to their labs and study spaces, but police are reporting that they have lost all contact with the engineering students.

“Where’s that Canadian Armed Forces ‘zombie unit’ when you need them?” asked officer Brad Chad. “We weren’t equipped for this.”

Research from the Discovery and Education of Ailments Department (DEAD), shows the symptoms varied among individuals based on academic year.

According to DEAD, these symptoms can advance to different extremes. Loss of appetite can go as far as a victim forgetting what food is, but cravings can severely increase the victim’s need to have “study snacks,” like Cheetos at all times. It is easy to spot these cases: an abundance of Cheeto dust underneath the fingernails that has been in there for an indiscernible amount of time.

Common symptoms of contracting the virus are: uncontrollable napping, insomnia, forgetfulness, strange food cravings, loss of appetite, forgetfulness, coffee addiction and staring into space.

What might look like uncontrollable napping could be a symptom in which students have trouble keeping their eyes open at all.

“First I heard a faint humming, then I turned to see her eyes wide open,” first-year biology student Lyba Sheraz, said about a student in her 8 a.m. lecture. Apart from wide-eyed victim, Sia Lovett, the classroom has since been evacuated. Lovett remains inside, reports indicating that she has begun to levitate and faintly glow, her eyes never, ever closing.

From outside, first-year bioogy student Lovett can be heard shouting, “IIIIIEEEEEEEET!” in tandem, all the way up Gould Street. The terror of Midtermia has spread, so if you spot a possible case, you are advised to please alert your friendly neighbourhood campus police. As for us at The Eyeopener, we will continuously update our list of suspected contaminated zones on campus.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

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