Photo: Premila D'Sa

Man realizes 10-year slow-cooked chilli not such a great idea

In Fun & Satire /

By Jacob Dubé

A local Ryerson student and cooking aficionado tried to make the most flavourful chilli ever by slow-cooking it for 10 years, and he hasn’t been seen since.

Kevin Teal, a fourth-year chemical biology student, previously told The Eyeopener in 2007 that he had created a scientific equation that proved there is a direct correlation between time-cooked and deliciousness in chilli.

“If a six-hour chilli is pretty good, and a 24-hour chilli is even better, then a 10-year chilli would be the best fucking thing in the universe,” Teal said at the time.

This started his long and patient journey with his slow cooker, which he named Wilson. According to his roommate Michaela Scott, Teal would covet Wilson “like his own kid,” she said.

“I would try and unplug that damn slow cooker and he would pounce out of nowhere and stop me. His desire for perfect chilli flavour was unimaginable,” Scott said.

Scott told The Eye that when the chilli was finally ready, 10 years later, Teal opened the top and a wave of onion-and-cumin-scented gas shot out like a geyser. In the pot was only one single bean. “You know how sauce reduces over time?” Scott said. “This whole concoction was concentrated into one being.”

Teal stared at the bean, shaking, and yelled at Scott to leave the room. When she returned, Teal and the bean were gone. He’s been missing ever since.

“Was he so disappointed at his cooking fiasco that he ran off, or did he experience the single most flavourful thing in the universe and transcended time and space? We may never know,” Scott said.

The Eyeopener received reports of sightings of Teal at several Taco Bell locations, but they couldn’t be confirmed.

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