Illustration: Sarah Krichel

Ted Rogers School of Management declares its independence

In Fun & SatireLeave a Comment

Reading Time: 2 minutes

By Shakir Rimzy

In a referendum held earlier this month, students and staff of the Ted Rogers School of Management (TRSM) have voted to declare independence not only from Ryerson but from Canada as well.

TedRexit, as it’s now called, passed overwhelmingly with 60 to 30 per cent of the votes on Friday. To be fair, 10 per cent of voters admitted they thought it was a joke.

“We decided that it was the best decision for our future,” says Ted Rogers student Randolph Money.

“No longer do we have to pretend to like being a part of Ryerson,” he exclaimed in a fiery, passionate voice. “I’m excited for all of our tuition money to go to us instead of into new buildings for science students. I’ll use the extra money to buy groceries!”

Money, who is a member of The Society to Free Ted—a pro-separatist activist organization—hailed the referendum as a victory for future generations to come.

The Society to Free Ted is one of many pro-independence organizations that have popped up over the past few years. The Doing it for the Degree people, the Schulich Support Group as well as DECA Ryerson, have all joined forces in order to pressure the Ryerson Students’ Union to grant the special referendum.

The separatists cited their tired legs, along with the legs of other TRSM students walking to Kerr Hall, as “good enough” for a revolution.

Annie Ilovedough, president of the Schulich Support Group, said that once they started talking to each other they realized that they all shared the same superiority complex and dedication to trickle-down economics. It was then that their idea began to grow.

During a week of furious campaigning, the TedRexit coalition ran numerous propaganda ads that told TRSM students they paid more into Ryerson than they were getting back.

Separatists now have three weeks to come up with construction plans for the new location, but sources indicate that in true TRSM fashion, it’ll be left to the last minute.

Reports from the temporary government have leaked that the new micronation will be known as the Federated Republic of Rogeria.

Further reports indicate that Canadian Tire money is going to be the adopted currency of the nation due to the Canadian Tire stores’ money printing machine located on the ground floor of the TRSM building.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

Leave a Comment