By Emerald Bensadoun
On Monday night, Basketball Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman was on his way to North Korea to take one of his casual vacations with his good friend, the dictator. The two were scheduled to meet at 2:45 p.m. in the North Korean side of Korea’s famous “demilitarized zone” but Rodman’s plane never made it to the Korean peninsula.
Rodman accidentally ended up at the wrong DMZ, and now President Kim Jong-un is threatening North America with the possibility of nuclear warfare. Again.
Facial piercings glistening in the cold, dead sunlight, Rodman was surprised to see that he’d landed on top of Ryerson University’s Digital Media Zone (DMZ) instead, early Tuesday morning. Surrounded by unfamiliar pigeons, he began to panic.
“You guys just don’t know him like I do,” yelled a visibly upset Rodman, who demanded somebody bring him an international phone to call his friend.
The demilitarized zone, also often referred to as the DMZ, is 250 kilometres long, and about four kilometres wide. Jong-un said that at first he thought Rodman just got lost, but after members of his army returned empty-handed several hours later, he became concerned for Rodman’s safety and began threatening to blow up the world—again.
“It’s pretty big, and people mysteriously go missing a lot. I did what anybody would do if they thought their best friend had been taken by those dotards,” Jong-un said on live television. “It was a perfectly normal reaction.”
He wouldn’t explain what a “dotard” was.
He also said he’d like to remind the world about that time he said North Korea had a missile that could reach anywhere on planet Earth.
“It can go ANYWHERE,” said Jong-un. “Really, guys. I mean it. Just wait until we start testing in Guam. I wouldn’t fuck with me.”
Rodman’s new pilot, Rawandumb Simpleton told The Eye he typed the words “DMZ” into the jet’s GPS system and reportedly set the plane to autopilot to take a “short nap.” When he awoke several hours later, he said he thought North Korea looked a little different than the photos he’d seen of it online, but shrugged it off.
“Whoops,” said Simpleton. “So that tall, phallic building wasn’t just Pyongyang’s space needle?”
While Rodman remained unamused, Rye President Mohamed Lachemi said he was thrilled.
Bounding down the seemingly endless flights of stairs in the Student Learning Centre wielding large rolls of not yet floored red carpet, Lachemi made a run for the DMZ mere seconds after hearing the news. Laying out the royal red carpet usually saved for celebrities visiting during the Toronto International Film Festival, Lachemi told The Eye it would help convince the retired American basketball star to stay for brunch.
“There are no mistakes,” insisted Lachemi. “Just happy accidents. This could be the start of the first ever Ryerson University North Korean campus.”
While searching for a phone, Rodman said he stopped to look around the incubator.
“Look at all this innovation!” said Rodman. “I’m learning so much about business. I can’t wait to tell Kim.”
He also asked if the DMZ could help fund his new startup human cloning company so he could give marrying himself again a “real shot.” Lachemi said they’d think about it.
In the event that Jong-un was actually serious this time, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said that he would do his best to help Rodman get to North Korea, but that they were a “little short” on jet planes at the moment.
“Bombardier’s really in the dumps,” said Trudeau. “Also, fuck Boeing,” he said when he thought he turned his microphone off.
After a lengthy phone conversation with the Supreme leader, Rodman told The Eye that “Kimmy was only kidding with the whole ‘I’ll nuke you all to death’ thing.”
Until further notice, Rodman and Lachemi said the pair will be taking advantage of the all-day breakfast at the Ram in the Rye.
“I probably wouldn’t worry about it,” said Rodman of the North Korean dictator’s threats of impending doom. “Kimmy puts on a big show, but deep down he’s a real sensitive guy. Kimmy’s like a firework, you know?”
Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.