Illustration by Sarah Krichel

For immediate release: The Eyeopener to create its own cryptocurrency

In Fun & Satire /

By Sylvia Lorico 

Following yet another Bitcoin crash, The Eyeopener is pleased to announce it will be creating its own cryptocurrency. Not since the creation of monopoly money have men and women been this excited about investing in weird money with no actual value in the real world.

The brainchild of economics student and resident-nerd Carl Kryptonite, Eyecoin aims to revolutionize the cryptocurrency world. Secure, cheap and innovative, Eyecoin can be purchased and sold by even the most secluded of hermits.

Eyecoin can be purchased for a low exchange rate of 20 per cent and is extremely stable. By replacing the blockchain system with a series of Google Spreadsheets operated by Google Home, Eyecoin will be able to survive the otherwise volatile conditions that are associated with most cryptocurrencies.

Our cryptocurrency also results in excellent returns. Studies on our cryptocurrency prior to its official release have determined that an investor’s total payout could be up to 46 times that of an average investment in a stock or bond. If you were to invest $10,000 in Eyecoin, your invest would be worth $470,000 in only six weeks!

“We’ve taken the best of Bitcoin—cheap, accessible and high returns—and taken out the risk,” said Kryptonite. “You can effectively leave your investment to sit for decades and never lose a single cent.”

Are you worried about whether or not you can trust us to maintain a level of transparency and security? Unlike your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, we at The Eye promise that your secrets are safe with us. With state-of-the-art encryption systems and self-regulating Google Home technology, your cryptocoin will remain safely where it belongs: trapped on the deep web where none of us can actually access it.

“The best type of investment is the one so safe not even you can access it,” said Kryptonite.

With the funds from Eyecoin, The Eye hopes to dominate the cryptocurrency world, thus proving to government institutions and money-grabbing corporations that we can, in fact, live off cryptocurrency for the rest of our lives until death, tax-free.

“Eyecoin is more than just a cryptocurrency,” said co-creator and resident crypto-maniac Sophia Lecoin.

“It’s ideological empowerment. Humans are used to any sort of authority telling us how to use our money. But what if it were the masses, not the banks telling us how things should operate?”

There are also plans to use the funds from Eyecoin to buy out the Ted Rogers School of Management (TRSM) building and fund an all-inclusive vacation to the moon.

“We want to show to the world that Eyecoin can be used for anything from buying groceries to taking expensive trips to to moon,” Lecoin said.

Want to become part of the cryptocurrency revolution? If you are interested in buying some Eyecoin, check out Eyebase, our official trading site.

Warning: It has been recently brought to our attention that following the official release of Eyecoin, our cryptocurrency exchange may have been compromised as a result of angry economists, who are concerned that the Canadian government is declaring Eyecoin as legal currency.

THE BASICS OF CRYPTOCURRENCY FOR THE AVERAGE JOE

Blockchain:
It’s like a Google Spreadsheet that is duplicated thousand of times across a network of computers. The Blockchain network updates this spreadsheet regularly. Blockchain data is continually reconciled (meaning it’s always public and transparent.)

How to invest?
Easy! Glad you asked! Hop online and go to a trading site (similar to a foreign exchange, but online). Exchange  your regular dollars in for Bitcoin—or in this case, Eyecoin. Eyecoin rates are often fairly low since there’s no real bank setting a rate. Some can be exchanged for as low 0.2 percent. The highest might be 1-2 percent.

Is it safe to invest in?

NO. CRYPTOCURRENCY IS HELLA VOLATILE! IT CAN CRASH IN LITERALLY WEEKS BECAUSE NO ONE IS REALLY REGULATING THIS

Is it taxed?: Not yet anyways

More to come.

 

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

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