Illustration by Camila Kukulski

Hibernating students woken up months early, sudden warm weather to blame

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By Shakir Rimzy

Sudden rises in temperatures over the past week are causing hibernating Ryerson students to wake up months ahead of schedule.

These students have been hibernating since the beginning of winter, burrowing up in a gaggle of blankets and pumpkin spice lattes for the duration of the cold months. They were shocked to still feel the cold air against their skin as they ventured from their student-housing dwellings. Think bears, but human.

Third-year psychology student Eric Kanj was one of the many students who’s hibernation was disrupted.

“What horse shit is this?” he asked tearfully. “I went outside expecting to feel that fresh warm air. I even broke out my leather jacket, thinking that April was upon us. What if it’s -10 degrees tomorrow?

“My professors don’t even know who I am.”

Since the beginnings of the internet, hibernating students returned to the real world around March, once the last vestiges of winter have passed. After so many months of nothing but Netflix and solo chill, students who shut themselves inside to escape the cold are not equipped to deal with the frigid temperatures of a mild
Canadian winter, and may suffer
adverse effects if exposed to the cold too soon.

“I normally don’t see my friends in the winter,” said second-year commerce student Kyla Mirage. “But since it’s been so warm they, like, actually want to hang out now. It’s been less than 48 hours and I’ve already run out of excuses. What do people even do for fun in February!?”

An estimated 10,000 students per year participate in winter hibernation.

As temperatures increase into the double digits, experts are concerned that students will be unable to distinguish winter fashion from summer fashion, attempting to rock the latest summer trends way ahead of schedule. The decidedly “unsexy” nature of bulky winter jackets is believed to be the primary cause of student hibernation, with the desire to look fabulous around one’s peers the driving force of the self-isolation movement.

“If I wear a big coat all the time then who will be able see my witty Bazinga T-Shirt?” said Liad Kusac, a first-year biology student. “It would be a fucking travesty.”

Kusac, who is from Sarnia, Ont. grew up with long and brutal winters. A shameless fan of the Disney film Frozen, when asked about his coat absenteeism he simply responded that the cold never bothered him anyway.

To combat these issues, Ryerson is developing outreach programs, like early morning runs and polar dips, to get those resting muscles back in pre-hibernation shape, along with a robust meal adjustment plan to
help students get the spring back in their step.

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