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How to have a great hookup

In Fun & Satire /

By Skyler Ash

It’s cuffing season and navigating the world of hookups can be a tricky business. I’m sure you have a lot of questions. Is this person worth shaving my legs for? Is lighting a candle romantic or cliche? What if one of us accidentally lights our hair on fire and then the whole place just smells like burnt hair and then the mood is ruined? There are a lot of things to consider. Well, I can safely say, as an expert with no experience in the matter, that nobody is ever worth shaving your legs for, and burning your hair is just a chance you’ll have to take. Here are some tips that are bound to work!

  1. Come on strong or don’t come on at all. I personally like a man who treats me as if I am a poor street urchin from the late 1800s who has no better option than to sleep with him lest I die of consumption in my sad, lice-infested bonnet. Nothing gets me going more than a man who thinks he knows what’s best for me (i.e., his below-average junk).
  2. Be clear about your intentions. Did you know that 50 per cent of all hookups end in marriage? If you don’t want to get married but still want to have some honeymoon fun, let the other person know you aren’t looking for anything serious. This way, you won’t have to get married (but that also means you don’t get to register for gifts, which is a big loss).
  3. Set a date and time. It’s always best to plan your next romp in the sack early, so that you can be better prepared. I suggest working something out for at least two months in advance. This way both parties will have forgotten about each other, and perhaps have managed to forge real, meaningful connections with other people with whom they actually want to do more than roll around in the ol’ sheets with.
  4. Set the mood. As discussed, candles are a hazard, but they are also sexy, so just light ‘em up. Next, rose petals—a tried and true classic that has stood the test of time in cheesy rom coms and low-budget porn. Once you’ve taken care of the first two, you’ll need to select some music. I suggest some of Justin Bieber’s early work; that girly falsetto always puts me in the mood. If Bieber isn’t your thing, try some nursery rhymes, as they set a fun, playful tone for the night ahead.

These tips should set the stage for a hot night. If you find they aren’t working for you, it’s probably because you are unlovable, and are destined to wander alone for the rest of your days. Best of luck!

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

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