Man wearing shirt that reads "Nice guy since day one, vote for me"
Photo Illustration: Nathaniel Crouch

RSU candidate suddenly a ‘really great guy’

In Fun & Satire /

By Dylan Freeman-Grist

Joseph Josepherson, who until recently had never once identified publicly as a student, is quickly becoming the most likeable guy on campus. The seventh-year  engineering student, currently running for an RSU executive position on the JibberJabber slate, is hands down one of the best dudes you’ve ever met.

“I’ve actually never seen or heard of him but he’s 100 per cent one of the smartest guys on campus,” notes Jackson Pats, TRSM director candidate for JibberJabber. “He’s just got like, a 360 degree view of things, super big picture kinda guy.” Pats, currently in second year, assured us he’s in no way interested in running for VP Operations next year, nor would he ever consider TRSM director “just a stepping stone,” despite the fact he wasn’t asked about either.

It’s not clear why Josepherson’s perceived ability for leading a student union is currently trending in Facebook comment threads across campus. According to LinkedIn, his most senior management position to date is being the alternate captain for Ryerson’s League of Legends team.

Apart from the simple fact Josepherson is a mediocre dude, he’s also been known to post his opinions about campus policy in Ryerson Confessions. This, along with the fact that he “knows a guy” at Burrito Boyz and can thus get discounts, has made his ascension to the executive all but assured.

“We’re seeing JFK meets Machiavelli meets Andrea Bartlett and it’s just an unreal thing to witness,” notes political science professor Shmalter Schwortz. “He’s playing the game perfectly.”

Rumours that Josepherson may not even actually be enrolled in any classes at all—due in part to the fact he is somehow at every student event on campus—have had zero impact on his momentum.

“Last week, we were hosting a bake sale and I shit you not he showed up, bought a pastry, shook my hand and left,” said Krissy Palmson, president of the Eco Club. “It literally blew my fucking mind. I thought ‘Damn. There is someone who should oversee a $2.3 million  operating budget.’”

In the weeks before announcing that he was leading the JibberJabber team, Josepherson emerged from literally nowhere and became a fixture at Ram in the Rye karaoke nights, as well as the Rams men’s basketball and hockey games. He also received more pies in the face per capita than any other candidate during the carnival portion of the Winter Week of Welcome.  On top of all this, there are rumours circulating that he’s currently in the process of “finessing” a dope diss track aimed at his rival candidates—an act which completely locks down the FCAD vote early on during the election season.

Josepherson is expected to lead the JibberJabber team to a sweep of the RSU executive by triple-digit margins.

More to come.

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