Illustration: Camila Kukulski

Ryerson Dance Pak to be sponsored by Snack Packs

In Fun & Satire /

By Charlie Buckley 

It seems that all those RSU campaign posters are costing more than expected. In a joint statement by Ryerson University Athletics and Conagra Brands on Monday, Rye officials announced that the Ryerson Dance Pak has found a sponsor: Hunt’s Snack Packs.

Tapioca, real name Kacey Gardner, has been captain of what is now called the Hunt’s Snack Pack Ryerson Dance Pak presented by Conagra Brands for two years. As spokesperson for the team, she explained the merits of this new partnership.

“It’s a huge opportunity,” Tapioca said in front of a rowdy scrum of reporters. “Hunt’s Snack Packs provide nutritious and satisfying financial support that nourishes our school’s treasury, without any artificial flavours or colouring.”

Mitch Gunney, a PR agent for Conagra, echoed the captain’s enthusiasm. “We’ve been working with Ryerson University closely to ensure that our sponsorship speaks to the school’s message,” he said. “Let me tell you, the Hunt’s Snack Pack Ryerson Dance Pak presented by Conagra Brands can’t be more excited. Tapioca, Custard, Butterscotch, Figgy, Yorkshire, Banana Cream, Sugarfree, Caramel, Red Velvet and Devil’s Food are looking forward to showing you that the proof is in the pudding!”

These announcements come in the wake of severe budgetary issues at Ryerson. Anonymous sources from close to the RSU campaign trail have revealed that costs have ballooned to gargantuan proportions. Candidates have spent a total of $86,000 this month in poster adhesives alone, and the Ryerson University Treasury is scrambling to monetize.

“After our microtransactions initiative failed, we had to look into other options,” RU Treasurer Hailey Vandercamp explained in the dimly lit Financial Services office. “Lootboxes and alternate textbook skins gave way to corporate sponsorships, and here we are. This new source of income for the school was lookin’ like a snack. Conagra has been very good to us; without them, we would have our student government elected through Facebook posts and paperless campaigns. The horror.”

Yuri Bremner, a member of the Ryerson Stalinist Party running for VP Events, said that the campaigns are a necessary cost. “Close-up posters with no platform points, armed anti-sedition teams, the RSP Lecture-Interruption Squad; these are things the voters want, and they don’t come cheap.”

The Hunt’s Snack Pack Ryerson Dance Pak presented by Conagra Brands are slated to hit the court this Friday during a basketball game between the Rams and University of Phoenix Online’s Fightin’ Kraft Singles. Pudding, cheese and campaign posters will be provided.

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