Photo Illustration: Samantha Moya

All the water in the world for Finding Nemo

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By Lyba Mansoor

“Smart move, Canada,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin.

In a move to get production going on a live-action Finding Nemo, Ryerson’s School of Performance has purchased all the water in the world.

Cynthia Lewis, the director of the acting program at Ryerson, the brains behind the proposed live action Finding Nemo, and the world’s most powerful person since the purchase, said acquiring the water was made in an attempt to ensure no other directors steal the idea.

“This idea, to me, is the pinnacle of my career. I would be completely beside myself if someone beat me to the production of it, so I figured what better preventative measure than buying all the water in the world?” she said.

Though Lewis insists she is not a strong believer in tyranny and swears the motivation behind purchasing all the water in the world is truly for art, a few of her students have also expressed some concerns.

James Garland, the student cast as Nemo in the production, said Lewis “forced” him to take scuba diving lessons. “She wants me to be able to hold my breath for two hours, roughly the length of the play,” he said.

The play, said Garland, has completely consumed Lewis’ attention, even banning sushi from rehearsal practices.

When The Eyeopener asked Lewis about her decision, she simply stated, “Fish are friends, not food” over and over until somebody started blowing bubbles. 

“I think owning all the world’s water has sort of gone to her head. She recently got this tattoo on her forearm that reads ‘#H2O4ME.’ It all just seems a bit fishy to me,” said one student who preferred not to be identified, in fear of upsetting Lewis who he believes is secretly a water bender.

How Lewis plans on transporting and using the supply of water she now owns is still unclear, she’s been very reluctant in making her plans public.

“It’ll really add to the play’s realism,” she implored. “I mean making a live-action version of a film someone already made, it’s kind of genius.”

Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi, however, is “elated with joy” at the thought of Ryerson treading its way to becoming a world superpower.

“Wait you can just BUY all the water in the world?” asked a stunned Donald Trump, the President of
the United States of America.

“I can think of no better honour than becoming a global superpower,” said Lachemi. “2018 was looking a little bit choppy, but if Finding Nemo  has taught us anything, it’s that all we needed to do was just keep swimming.”

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

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