Illustration: Kosalan Kathiramalanathan

EYERANT: No one helps me push through revolving doors

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By Melissa Salamo

Do you ever feel frustrated when you notice that people are too lazy to separate their trash properly? Inefficient and unreliable partners for group projects got you down? How about when people underestimate the amount of work you have on your plate? Yes. All of these are pretty darn annoying, but let me tell you something … there is nothing more disappointing and irritating than people who actively refuse to help you push revolving doors.

Let’s use the Student Learning Centre’s (SLC) new revolving doors as an example. This is a great way to keep the SLC nice and toasty warm, not to mention, it also helps Ryerson University spend less money on hydro! It all sounds so pleasing and satisfying—until put into practice.

I walk up the big, concrete stairs pleasantly enough, thinking about the wonderful long-ass list of assignments I have yet to complete. I head for the new doors. I see someone slowly approaching the doors as well, looking at me with a distrustful stare on their face. Why are they looking at me like that? I distinctly remember really feeling my face this morning. OK, whatever… Maybe they’re just zoning out, I think to myself. They head for the first section of the revolving door. Naturally, I stand on the second division, right behind them.

Zero movement.

“Why aren’t we moving?” I say, this time out loud, and with a plethora of sass I push with all my strength, which is minimal considering the fact that it has been a couple weeks of sleepless nights and absentee gym-ing. Slowly but surely I begin to make progress. I look over my shoulder. Their hands aren’t even touching the glass door.

Might I say, “EXCUSE ME?!”

My fellow revolving stranger was only pretending to be pushing and helping me out with this dreadful task. Reality sank in: they’re waiting for me to do all the work. I was deflated, and oddly reminded of that time my professor assigned a “group project leader” in class.  At this point, I’m beginning to question whether or not the universe wants me to do well on my midterms at all. The revolving door has become a metaphor and I feel like it’s telling me, “What are you doing? Go home.”

It’s been what feels like an eternity, and we have only moved about 15 cm. I do my best to shoot my not-so-friendly stranger an “Are you kidding me?” I don’t have time for this” look. Come on buddy, help me out! I push once again with all I’ve got left, running low on caffeine, until I’ve finally made it to the other side. Yes!  I’m finally in the warmth!

But the victory is cut short: I know my next task is moving past the person who has just completely disregarded helping me out. Like clockwork, they’re continuing to just stand there, in the middle of the way, blocking everybody. But I’m determined. I am a vigilant student and I have places to be! I need to sit down, get onto D2L and ingrain a whole five weeks of content into my brain! I surround the obstacle and make sure to let out a loud sigh before quickly maneuvering around, weaving my way into the SLC’s tiny, little elevators.

If only professors knew how much dedication and time it takes just to sit down and begin to study!

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

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