Photo: Kosalan Kathiramalanathan

RSU execs hire the wrong Drake

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By Kent Clark

Top secret, not fake documents reveal unprecedented plans by incoming Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) executives to bring Drake back to Ryerson—but not the Drake you’re thinking of.

These totally-legit documents, which The Eyeopener’s news editors received from a mysterious dude in cool sunglasses, contain transcripts that revealed Unify team members are in talks to bring former Nickelodeon star Drake Bell to Ryerson for frosh week in September 2018, simply under the name “Drake.”

“Hey Ryerson, any time they call my phone and say I can come perform for you I’m touching this stage right here,” Bell said in a phone call with incoming vice-president student life & events, Edmund Sofo.

It appears Bell is quoting monotonous Toronto rapper Drake, who performed at Ryerson’s frosh week in 2015, giving Ryerson students at least one thing they could brag about to their friends at the University of Toronto.

“I have one condition,” Bell said. “You bill me as Drake and Drake only. I’m taking back my name from that two-bit hoser.”

The documents also detail a plan by Bell to dazzle the crowd with a live performance based on his new song, “Rewind,” which features minimal lyrics and a basic melody.

“The video is basically four minutes of me pretending to have sex with an actor. Imagine that, but on stage,” Bell said.

While Bell would surely be more popular on campus than the other Drake, the completely un-fabricated secret transcripts raise alarms as to whether students will be confused by the RSU advertising Bell as Drake.

While both artists are human and at least one an international music sensation, the difference between the two Drakes are both numerous—and noticeable. Bell, although now practically unrecognizable under the guise of tattoos and a lack of a bowl cut hairstyle, is well-known for his roles in the hit television kids’ sitcom, Drake & Josh and for being the lead voice in Marvel’s Ultimate Spider-Man. Other Drake is known for attaching himself to Toronto as a means to sell simple, but expensive merchandise with the number six on it. His day job appears to be proud-mom smiling at the Toronto Raptors and giving away cash.

This ground-breaking investigation comes as bittersweet for Ryerson students still recovering from the scandalous 6 Fest concert in 2016, in which sad attendees assumed Toronto rapper Drake would return to the Ryerson stage and cried when he did not.

In the very real documents, Sofo tells Bell he’s worried about that sort of confusion.

“I love Drake & Josh. It was my very favourite show when I was 12,” Sofo said. “I want you to perform here and make me as happy as I was when I watched your timeless TV comedy.  But don’t you think we might get in trouble for presenting you under a less-popular artist’s name? Also, can we bring Josh?”

“No,” Bell said in response.

While the transcripts that follow are obscured by a big ketchup stain and unreadable, we have reason to believe that Sofo’s reply was “seems fair.”

The Eye absolutely followed up on a real tip in our encrypted tip line and found Sofo huddled in a Kerr Hall classroom binge-watching Drake and Josh. He declined comment.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

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