Illustration: Camila Kukulski

Ryerson unveils cockroach plan to deal with bed bugs problem

In Fun & Satire1 Comment

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By Ben Snider-McGrath

For the past few weeks, Ryerson students have been involuntarily itching at the thought of bed bugs after an infestation was found on the second floor of the Victoria Building. But don’t worry, everyone! Ryerson has a plan to take care of this problem.

After multiple reports of students finding bugs crawling around VIC205, Ryerson sent a pest control crew to clean the mess up. But, according to Ryerson, there was no mess to be found. Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi said that there was “no evidence of termites, bugs or any other insects when the building was inspected.”  

When this was proven false by an Eyeopener investigation, Lachemi offered up a solution.

“Cockroaches,” Lachemi said in a video posted on his personal Twitter page on March 13. “Cockroaches eat bed bugs. We couldn’t find the bed bugs when we searched the Victoria Building, but you know who probably could find them? You guessed it—cockroaches.”

This idea only caused students more stress, prompting dozens of responses on Twitter asking how the university would then deal with the cockroach problem. Twenty minutes after posting his first video, Lachemi tweeted another.

“I get it,” he said. “You guys are worried about the cockroaches now. Fair point. I’m listening. . Here’s Part Two of my plan: Once the roaches have gotten rid of all the bed bugs, we’ll introduce iguanas to the habitat. They’ll take care of the roaches.”

Lachemi said that he will only need “five or six—but maximum 20—iguanas” to take care of the cockroaches. The video ended with his solution for the impending iguana-infestation.

“Once those roaches are gone, we’ll get some hawks to eliminate the iguanas,” Lachemi said. “If all goes as planned, all of the iguanas will be gone by the start of the fall semester.”

Ryerson officials said that the cockroaches will be released in the Victoria Building “as soon as possible,” and that students who are complaining about this solution should “shut up and quit crying.”

When asked how he would deal with the hawks, Lachemi wasn’t sure what to do.

“I’m just brainstorming here, but maybe we’ll start a falconry course,” he tweeted. “Retweet if you’d take this class.”

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

Comments

  1. Make up story. Trying to be funny and at the end in this childish story you said, “non of this is real”. Should I laugh?

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