Photo: Kosalan Kathiramalanathan

Why Ryerson and Tim Hortons will never be getting back together — like ever

In Fun & Satire1 Comment

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By Emerald Bensadoun

“Tim Hortons sucks, my dudes,” began Ryerson University president Mohamed Lachemi, in what was supposed to be a “civil” end to the longstanding relationship between Tim Hortons and the post-secondary institution. The two are citing “irreconcilable differences” as the main cause for their tumultuous divide, and while none of us were entirely surprised to see this split, we all thought we had a little more time—or at least until we were finished with finals.

In a scathing tell-all following Lachemi’s announcements, The Eyeopener has obtained evidence of the following 10 reasons why Ryerson dumped Tim Hortons:

  1. Because warming a bagel is not the same thing as toasting one and it never will be.
  2. Ryerson began stress-eating.
  3. It was getting really unhealthy. Ever since Tims hooked up with Burger King, the food was never nearly as fresh.
  4. Timmies didn’t love Ryerson, they were just using Ryerson for
    its money.
  5. Tim Hortons kept Ryerson waiting, and Ryerson is too fine for long lines.
  6. Because “Always Tim Hortons” was a lie. We all know that Tims closes at 7 pm from Monday
    to Thursday, and good luck trying to get together on the weekends
    after dark.
  7. Ryerson was over competing for attention. Who wants to wait in line to see their significant other.
  8. At what point do we call getting eaten by 40,000 students cheating?
  9. Ryerson found out what timbits are really made of. We don’t want to eat Tim’s bits!
  10. We all know Ryerson secretly has a thing for Starbucks.

We see you, Ryerson.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

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