Illustration: Nathaniel Crouch

Forecast calls for the pumpkining as October approaches

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By Nathaniel Crouch

Shifting weather conditions and the changing of seasons is nothing new in the world of weather reporting. Recently that reporting has made some breathtaking discoveries as to what lies ahead for Toronto, and Ryerson, in the coming weeks. 

Joseph Seed, the head meteorologist at Castform Weather Centre said in an exclusive, “We’re tracking an active weather system that will result in increased pumpkin flavours around the city.” 

The Centre presented us someone who looked like Sean Bean to tell us “October is coming,” and it will result in many Ryerson students using the word “spoopy” unironically in conversation. 

The currents of air will mean hipsters will have to stay indoors as a northerly wind will bring a high UGG count to every coffee shop in the Greater Toronto Area.

Residents are reminded to practice caution in their outfit choices as this seasonal shift will result in very low temperatures in the early morning and late evenings, yet scorching temperatures at midday. 

This phenomenon is called, “Wearing a sweater in the morning and complaining about having one hour later.”

The Castform Weather Centre is calling for a spike in infinity scarves and beanies across the GTA. 

The Centre also released a statement of what to do should someone be caught up by one of these systems. “If you’ve got a light jacket, never take that shit off. If you find yourself in a Starbucks surrounded by 20 white women in-between them and their non-fat, triple no foam pumpkin spice latte, don’t move at all; their vision is solely based on movement.”

 

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