By Skyler Ash
When looking forward to the future, there is always hope. But when we get there, it’s actually a shitshow. It’s 2018, and most of you reading this are fresh-faced and doe-eyed, like Sleeping Beauty after she wakes up from the world’s most indulgent nap. It wasn’t so long ago that you were sketching out pictures of the kind of life you would lead and falling asleep dreaming about what it would be like when you were older. But things probably haven’t turned out that way.
Here’s a very surprisingly sad list of things we thought would have happened by now, but haven’t!
Hoverboards: We did see hoverboards pop up a few years ago, but they’re not actually floating, so it doesn’t count. In my opinion, they shouldn’t even be called hoverboards because they don’t even fly. I won’t sleep peacefully until I know that I can float at least three inches above the ground like Marty McFly in Back the Future III.
Gender equality: You think in a seemingly progressive and modern society, women and gender non-conforming people wouldn’t be treated like street trash that’s been feasted upon by the nastiest gang of sewer rats you’ve ever seen, but nope! We are no more progressive than a slow-growing piece of mould on a hunk of cheese (that rats are probably also feasting on).
Tube travel: Don’t know if it was just me who thought about this, but I thought by now I’d be able to hop in a bubble and travel through a tube, like Willy Wonka’s elevator, but 10,000 times cooler. This would be much more efficient than sitting on the 401 and crying when Sarah McLaughlin plays every 10 minutes on the way home. Sadly, the only tube I know of is the musty old subways in England.
Little-to-no poverty: I know the German government made a mistake when they printed a surplus of money after being broke as fuck at the end of the Second World War, but maybe they were onto something. I don’t want to get into an argument about why it was a terrible idea, but just pretend for a second it worked, and think for a minute about all the good it could do. Didn’t think that in the second millenium we’d still be this fucking unhelpful to those less fortunate than us.
Cleaner oceans: So, our oceans are full of even more garbage than ever. Never thought it was possible, you filthy bums. We can’t possibly get any lower than this. How, for the love of god, are people still dumping garbage in the oceans? Yeah, it’s super convenient to just drop it and go, but knock it off! Our children will be swimming through deep pools of old Nature Valley bar wrappers, half-drunk off-brand sodas and old tissues. Please, have some decency and clean up after yourselves.
So I guess the future isn’t all flying cars, humans living in cool glass houses where every floor has a slide next to the staircase and basic human rights aren’t sorely lacking, but here we are, kiddos. This is your life now. Pat yourself on the back, privileged white men, but literally everyone and everything else, you’re fucked.