Illustration: Nathaniel Crouch

Ryerson enacts martial law against skateboarding epidemic

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By Zachary Roman

Toronto skateboarders are terrified and outraged after Ryerson University enacted martial law on campus this Wednesday. “I was just smoking a dart and practicing my ollies when two Ryerson security guards tackled me,” said Carl Boro, a 26-year-old gas station attendant and avid skateboarder. 

These new rules allow security to remove a skateboarder in the middle of a sick kick flip without cause and detain a board engaged in any “rad” behaviour. 

“They just sent me to the ground and stomped on my new beanie.” Beanie is layman’s terms for a hat skateboarders refer to as “small hats”. 

Boro was skateboarding at the corner of Victoria and Gould streets. Known as Lake Devo, it is a popular skateboard hangout.

“We just dig it ‘cause the pavement is smoother than a menthol cig y’know?” said B. Elmont, a seventh-year political science student. “Toronto is such a small city, there is absolutely nowhere else we can board other than this street corner.”

In an official statement, Ryerson President Mohamed Lachemi said “Ryerson security is now permitted to use any means necessary to remove skateboarders from Lake Devo. If traditional methods like shouting matches that annoy everyone in a three-block radius don’t work, semi-aggressive force is authorized.”

Security has wasted no time in using martial law to its full effect. “Before, the only sense of power I got from this job was refusing to answer student questions,” said Hugh Jeego, a 56-year-old Paul Blart wannabe on the Ryerson security team. “Now I can finally show these skaters who’s boss.”

Since Ryerson began enacting the new law, 11 students have been called “lame ass wieners” and five boards have gone missing under mysterious circumstances with owners claiming foul play. 

“It’s just a bare massive massacre out there,” said Zack Woods, a Brampton mans who commutes downtown to skate. “The other day I saw maintenance carrying away burnt and broken up foot wagons in one of those weird blue garbage carts.”

Local students that don’t skate, nicknamed “students without a Thrasher sweater,” have been more or less complete bystanders in the ongoing turmoil between security and skateboarders. 

“I don’t know, does it even really matter?” said first-year student Glock Bourne. “The skateboarders are only really a danger if you’re walking on Gould Street at under 20 km/h, so collisions and failed ollies happen every 20 seconds.” 

Leaked Ryerson internal documents show that last year, the school hired a team of Scientologists to kidnap skateboarders and extract their brains for study.

President Lachemi denied this study and any kidnapping and brain-extracting of boarders, saying “nope” in a formal interview. 

Ryerson has not yet confirmed when or if they will lift new regulations on campus. Until they do, The Eye recommends that all skaters and longboarders stay away from Lake Devo at all costs.

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