Dropping bikes and breaking hearts. PHOTO: CAMILA KUKULSKI
Photo: Camila Kukulski

String of robberies led to discovery of bicycle wheel conspiracy at Ryerson

In Fun & SatireLeave a Comment

Reading Time: 2 minutes

By A Reddit User

It’s time to wake up Ryerson! For too long, the man in the big chair has had the wool pulled over your eyes, but not anymore. Ryerson University is a big ol’ corporate scam, one in a long list of sleazy Illuminati Lizard people trying to control the Canadian people.

If you don’t believe me, then stop reading. You’re already too far gone and cannot be saved.

Where did all this start, you ask? Good question. It started when security reported the 35th stolen bike tire around campus this semester. Why is this so interesting to you, the local education seeker?

Who even steals bike tires? They only serve as part of a vessel that makes a five-minute streetcar ride into a four-hour death race against all the taxi drivers of the GTA.  

The answer: there has only ever been one tire missing, and bike owners have just been stealing the same one back and forth forever.

Look. It is really simple. All you’ve gotta do is follow the money, that’s always what it’s really about.

Back in 2011, Ryerson University announced the use of vertical bike parking spots that can be found under the bridge between Kerr Hall West and the library building. This project reportedly cost Ryerson $45 billion, or roughly the price of one Michael Bay explosion.

Ryerson invested a lot of money in these big blue bike racks, but why? This is a university, and of course they hate bicycles, there is no way they can make as much money as they made with the RU-Pass, so somewhere along the line they stole a bike tire.

Stealing a bike tire makes that bicycle into a unicycle. What else starts with u-n-i? University, as in RYERSON University. Did I just blow your mind?

Well it’s very clear they’ve lost control of their plan as they’ve forced someone to resort to stealing a bike tire so they didn’t have a unicycle, because nobody likes people who try to ride those. But why steal a tire when you could just buy one?

Ryerson even announced an extension to the campus store, dedicated to selling items people are most likely to lose on campus. But they’ve massively overestimated us and our ability to shop.

Because everyone knows all students that go here are fucking broke and if I had a microphone, this would be where I drop it.

Leave a Comment