By Zachary Roman
The Ontario Provincial Police’s Socialism Investigations Unit have located the once-thought deceased Karl Marx hiding in a filing cabinet at the RSU office. Police said they were acting on a tip from the Ryerson Campus Conservatives.
Marx was taken to the hospital for a medical checkup and declared the world’s oldest person, at 200 years of age. He was then taken into custody on an outstanding arrest warrant from 19th century Germany.
“As long as communism is alive, I’m alive,” said Marx, looking remarkably good for his age. “I’ve been secretly governing the RSU since it’s inception in 1967. No one has ever questioned the status quo until now—we communists have a way of making nosy journalists disappear.
Police questioned Marx for 3 days at the SIU headquarters but he was released after convincing his interrogators to play him in a game of Monopoly for his freedom. Marx lost due to his views on property ownership, however police were forced to release him anyways when he used his get out of jail free card.
Just last month, Ontario Premier Doug Ford accused student unions of getting up to “marxist nonsense” in a fundraising email sent to supporters. With the discovery of Marx at the RSU, members of Ford’s cabinet say he won’t shut up about how he “just knew it.”
“I knew students were up to something nefarious with those unions” said Ford at a recent press conference. “We already fucked them over with the OSAP changes. We don’t want students to be able to organize and challenge us because they might win.”
Now that he’s a free man, Marx says that he wants to enroll at Ryerson for philosophy and run for RSU president.
“The humble student shall no longer suffer at the hands of the professor” said Marx. “I propose a ban on standardized testing and group assignments.”
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