Podcasts you will really not want to fucking listen to

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Students with very bad takes on things in the world have started podcasts. Nathaniel Crouch reports on the story of the new airwave horror at Ryerson

Hold on to your hats, snowflakes, the hills are alive with the sound of a bunch of opinions. From the guy in your lecture who says, “going off from that” before just reiterating the first person’s point to the people who said, “Don’t you mean good morning?” after hearing you say good night to them when it’s past 12 a.m. 

These people and many other absolute shit disturbers have come together in a meeting called the Council of El-ass to decide on what their collective goal should be. 

There were months of deliberation; starting with a meeting on Gould Street as they multitasked to discuss possible names while also hounding people about what they were wearing.

There was a near-catastrophe within the council as a group of six Sidney-Crosby-looking-motherfuckers started off a meeting by saying “Well, actually…” This problem was only rectified after every council member went home and left back-handed comments on wholesome Reddit posts. 

One night, in the last meeting of February, a council member named Rickson Dickson—who ironically wore Rush shirts so that fans would come up him only to tell them he didn’t listen to the band, spoke up about his frustration of being on the opposite side of the street from someone with a fedora on.

“I wish I could project my voice over the airways and past their unkempt sideburns,” Dickson said. His outburst caused lightbulbs to begin to flicker on in everyone’s head and soon the council came to a decision; everyone gets a podcast. A member named Ashley spoke up and said “Can we really do this?”. Another council member named Ashleigh replied “We can realleigh do this.” 

In between their daily schedules of hitting the dislike button on the Gillette Ad and schedule text messages to say “I haven’t seen you all year” to friends on New Year’s Day, members began to form into groups.

They spread to the four winds. The six Crosby dudes started “Pucks deep” all about why they should play for the NHL. Ashley and Ashleigh started “Starbucks Horror Stories” and Dickson started “101 ironic reasons you need to own 6,348 pairs of Doc Martins.” 

Whenever they’d introduce themselves, leave a conversation, be asked what they do for a living or needed to boost their social media bios, there was that phrase; “I have a podcast.” 

All that’s left now is for someone to make a podcast about having a podcast and really shitty opinions can own the airwaves once again.

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