Ryerson commuters polluting less because they just stopped going to school

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By Andrea Josic

An update to Ryerson’s carbon footprint report shows that commuters cause less greenhouse gas emissions because they just stopped going to school.

According to the sexy and totally not boring 2016-17 Ryerson Sustainability Yearbook, student, staff, and faculty commuting to school, by any means, is responsible for 32 per cent of the university’s total greenhouse gas emissions.

Goén Green, a former eighth-year chemistry student, lives in Oakville, a two-hour commute away from school. Instead of driving to the bus terminal, taking three buses and transferring from two subway routes, Green just dropped out of school.

“Supporting the environment is fucking sick, bro,” said Green. “After watching those little black clouds pump out of vehicles, I couldn’t take another MiWay without feeling like Mother Nature hired a meteorologist to break my legs.”  

Most of Ryerson’s students are commuters because the university’s residences can house approximately two people. And, considering Toronto’s housing market, students are lucky if they can find a walk-in closet with no bathroom or natural sunlight for $1,200 per month.

Despite popular belief, Ryerson actually benefits from students calling it quits academically.

After a thrilling investigation of gossip that was Sharpied on Kerr Hall washroom stall doors, it was revealed Ryerson actually uses specific tactics to discourage students from being on campus. Tactics include: hiring construction workers to sit in on lectures and saw wood in the back, as well as making performing arts students challenge literally everyone in the library to musical rap battles.

Ryerson also pays your acquaintances to tell you their entire life story every time you run into them at school, even though you never asked.

Now, because of the increase in individual eco-consciousness, and Ryerson’s efforts to make their campus as unappealing as possible, the greenhouse gas emissions caused by commuting have almost reduced to zero.

After The Eyeopener tracked down Eggy, one of the many figures who have disappeared from campus, he told us he vehemently supports the movement.

“Not going to school has benefitted my life tremendously,” he said while hiding in the Quad bushes. “The air around me is sweeter and I have more time to fulfill my life’s prophecy of becoming a club promoter. Cheers, Greta.”

This story is part of Covering Climate Now, a global collaboration of more than 220 news outlets to strengthen coverage of the climate story.

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