By Zachary Roman
A common post-reading week affliction is coming back to haunt students once again. No, it isn’t the flurry of “spooky szn” posts on Instagram or the new Pumpkin Spice Jordan 7s being sold at Footlocker. It’s that one professor you have in your liberal elective, shoveling shitloads of homework straight out of a horse’s ass and into your daily planner.
The fall reading week, which the vast majority of post-secondary institutions have implemented, is a way for students to de-stress, catch up on sleep, and binge that one show that you’ve been telling everyone you’re going to watch.
In the eyes of one particularly devilish Ryerson faculty member, this is not the case. “Reading week? More like lol, you are weak!” said Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi. “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the RU Collaborative Cooking and Baking Incubator for Sustenance Advancement.”
Lachemi is even planning on removing the fall reading week next year in order to “cull the herd and separate the weak from the strong.”
The moral of this sad story is that our superiors don’t understand that we don’t have the time for a full course load, a part-time job, unpaid internships and extracurriculars. Heaven forbid that there should be time for a social life, sleeping, hobbies, or self-care.
“I don’t ask much of my students, except in lecture where I make them finish every second sentence that comes out of my mouth,” said Anne Oying, a psychology professor. “A one-page response to 40 pages of reading is easily doable each week in addition to the essay, a midterm, and comprehensive final exam this course has.”
When I asked Oying if she has ever considered the other classes students have, she declined to comment and kicked me out of her office (which had one too many sexually suggestive pictures of Sigmund Freud for my taste).
Some professors are less oblivious when it comes to the workload they assign their students. “Bro, you took macroeconomics, what the hell did you expect?” said Capp Pittalism, a tenured professor who charges $280 for the mandatory textbook he wrote. “You nerds can all get bent, I’m going to assign you so much work that you have no time to protest and then ride this gravy train all the way to retirement in Florida.”
The voices of students confirm that Pittalism, Oying, and other professors are assigning a lot of work on purpose so that there isn’t even time to protest it.
“I have to screen calls from my own mother now if I want to stay on track with my homework,” said a student whose name I didn’t get because they ran off after one interview question. “I love her to death but that woman cannot make a phone call that fits into my five minutes of personal time per day.”
A recent graduate I spoke to after fall convocation said that what were supposed to be the best years of their life were actually the most stressful years of their life, before breaking down and crying.
Even first-years are feeling the burn, and I’m not talking about climate change or my boy Sanders. “Sleep is for people with degrees,” said Sandy Cheeks, an environmental science student from Texas who was holding two organic energy drinks. “This Adderall prescription is 100 per cent legal—there is no need to ask me about it.” (I didn’t ask her about it.)
The school year is only going to get busier from here on out. Godspeed, you beautiful souls. I’ll see you on the other side.