Climate crisis deniers validated by early snowfall

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By Zachary Roman

The early snowfall and subsequent cold snap last week has climate change deniers in high spirits. 

Toronto was hit with 13.6 centimeters of snow on Nov. 12. This caused every single motorist in the city to instantly forget how to drive, class attendance to fall harder than Don Cherry’s career and perhaps most frustratingly, cause even more delays to Gould Street construction.

According to Environment Canada, the snowfall was the most the city’s ever seen this early before winter.

The Union of Concerned Scientists, a nonprofit science advocacy organization based in the U.S., has dispelled the myth that cold weather means global warming doesn’t exist. They reported that, “Global warming means hotter air, and hotter air can hold more moisture. This translates into heavier precipitation in the form of more intense rain or snow.” 

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) produced a report in 2018. It states: “Human activities are estimated to have caused approximately 1.0 C of global warming above pre-industrial levels…Global warming is likely to reach 1.5 C between 2030 and 2052 if it continues to increase at the current rate.” 

Basically, this means that global warming is scientifically proven.

But this hasn’t stopped members of the Ryerson Climate Change Denial Society (RCCDS). “Lookie here at all this snow boys,” said Gary Cal, executive of the RCCDS and MBA student whose father is an executive at Enbridge, a prominent Canadian pipeline company. 

“Cold weather this early in the year completely validates my unchangeable, preconceived notions that climate change doesn’t exist,” said Cal.

The president of the RCCDS, Jen Bridge, said that their group is looking to capitalize on the early snowfall to garner support. Bridge says that the cold white stuff falling from the sky will make it easy to convince other close-minded individuals like her that climate change is, in fact, a myth. 

According to NASA, global warming refers to the long-term heating of global temperatures, while climate change is the long-term change of the Earth’s weather patterns. The climate crisis describes the consequences of both. These terms aren’t interchangeable, but the RCCDS doesn’t give a fuck.

One can’t help but think back to United States President Donald Trump’s tweet from last winter: “Brutal and Extended Cold Blast could shatter ALL RECORDS—Whatever happened to Global Warming?” According to Bridge, Trump’s logic checks out.

“It’s snowing fam,” she said. “Global warming can’t be real!”

Thinking that global warming can’t exist because winter is cold is like thinking that Keanu Reeves isn’t sexy because he isn’t in the same room as you. Keanu Reeves is obviously always sexy whether you’re there to take in his hot progressive dad energy or not.

The RCCDS says their group membership numbers have more than doubled this past week, from 55 to 80. 

“We’re not the best at math,” said Bridge. “We find that it is too fact-based and objective for our liking.”

Bridge said it doesn’t matter that 55 times two is nowhere near 80, because lying that their support has more than doubled looks good on their Facebook page.

In response to the recent support of the RCCDS, the Ryerson Communication and Design Society (RCDS) said they are looking to sue the RCCDS for slander, claiming that the RCCDS acronym is “way too close” to their acronym.

“Climate change is without a doubt real,” said Duaa Zahra, president of the RCDS. “I can’t be associated with these clowns.”

Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi used to oversee all acronym related disputes at the school. 

“I’m only making $457,471.17 this year, so I really don’t have time for that crap anymore,” said Lachemi. “This institution prides itself on making stupid acronyms out of everything though, so I’ll probably have one of my many assistants take over.”

At the time of publication, no decision has been made on whether the RCCDS will have to change its name. 

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