By Aisha Jaffar
The fire alarms in Kerr Hall are being pulled by students who just can’t take the heat of the semester anymore, according to a recent investigation done by The Eye.
Athleisure Wear, a second-year food and nutrition student, showed up to class without completing his essay. When the professor started calling students up to hand in the assignment, Wear knew he needed a distraction.
“I made eye contact with the fire alarm—it was love at first sight. This voice in my head said ‘Just Do It,’” said Wear, who exclusively wears Nike gear to keep himself motivated.
Fire alarms have been going off frequently in Kerr Hall since reading week. Coincidentally, the shrieks of the fire alarms in Kerr Hall mimic the deep internal despair students feel when they think about all the work they have put off.
While we couldn’t talk to all the students responsible for the incidents, we did manage to speak to two more.
Kries Alot, a sixth-year English student shared her riveting life story. “Final projects, essays, failing my open electives, exams literally weeks away. I can’t even cry because I’m so dehydrated from drinking nothing but iced coffee. My eyes can’t take it anymore,” she said.
After seven whole minutes of listing the readings she’s behind on, Alot admitted she pulled the fire alarm. “I hadn’t slept in days. My eyes couldn’t stay open and my contact lenses kept popping out of my fucking skull. I wasn’t able to understand anything in lectures. I assumed puling the alarm would let me go home early and catch up on sleep,” said Alot.
This incident, in particular, was a complete disaster. The fire department came to campus, immediately realized there was no fire and started an actual investigation.
Upon seeing students like Alot crying, the firefighters stopped, dropped and rolled away from the absolute mess.
“I was losing it, wondering what would happen to me if they found out I did it. It’s a good thing I couldn’t actually cry or they would have known it was me. Who knew iced coffee would save the day,” said Alot, as she was handed tissues.
Gona Stray, first-year computer science student, blames Kerr Hall for being an unforgiving, soul-sucking maze. Stray said he spent 15 minutes trying to find his classroom, but he got lost and was left alone with his thoughts for far too long.
“I was running late and attendance is marked. I pulled the fire alarm hoping class would be cancelled. If I’m going down, everyone is going down with me,” he said.
Stray ended up using the chaos to his advantage and printed thousands of pages of textbooks he pirated for free in the library.
No students were held responsible for the incidents. Since every single student has a motive, they are all potential suspects and the fire department decided to drop the investigation.