By Amelia Rose Ritthaler
If you’re dreading Valentine’s Day because you’re in a relationship with somebody you should’ve broken up with months ago, look no further to let your partner know you actually hate them!
The perfect way to show your special someone that they are no longer special is with an Oak & Willow scented candle you got from a Christmas gift exchange, and have only used a few times. The burns on the candle wicks are a cute metaphor for how your relationship has burned to the ground. Your partner will wonder why you gave them such an unthoughtful gift and begin putting the pieces together that you want to break up. Plus, now you have an excuse to go buy a new candle at Bath & Body Works!
If you want to take a more subtle route, then an Amazon 12-Pack of Eco-Friendly Bamboo Toothbrushes is a strong choice. Buying something eco-friendly through a peak-capitalism conglomerate will show your partner that you cannot be trusted. Make sure you give your partner the gift in the Amazon Prime packaging so they know your gift was a last minute decision. Plus, you’re looking out for their future partners praying they will actually brush their teeth for once.
Their house keys
If you’re a Sagittarius, or anybody else that’s short-tempered and irrational, consider gifting your partner your copy of their house keys. When they ask “Wait what?” you can say, “I don’t really need these anymore.” It’s a fun and straightforward way to let your partner know it’s time for you to go home, for good.
A really sexy gift that will make your significant other question your relationship is a bunch of condoms. This is a fun and gentle tip-off that you won’t be letting them raw dog you twice a week moving forward. It’s time for them to return to having casual sex with strangers they met on Tinder.
An animatronic companion pet
Joy for All’s Lifelike Robotic Dogs were originally made for seniors who need a companion but are not in a state to take care of a real pet—making it the perfect gift for your partner who is barely competent at keeping themselves alive. Now that you no longer have to make sure they get through each day, a robotic pet is the send-off to let them know they’ll have a new companion moving forward.
Replacement Valentine’s Day date
Probably one of the most thoughtful gifts: a new date for Valentine’s Day. While you would rather die than spend Valentine’s Day with your partner, you shouldn’t let their reservation for two at the Olive Garden in the U.S. side of Niagara Falls go to waste. Give someone else the opportunity to watch your now-ex struggle to consume chicken fettuccine alfredo after eating three baskets of shitty breadsticks. Plus this gift is an easy find—just tell any single person they can have free pasta and you’re set!