Local man loves playing devil’s advocate, asks about lack of white history month

In Fun & Satire1 Comment

Reading Time: 2 minutes

By Uhanthaen Ravilojan

The search for truth demands questioning your assumptions, refining your ideas and exposing yourself to a myriad of perspectives. Truth-seeking computer science student James Hartland scrutinizes our beliefs with the question: “How come there’s no white history month?”

He asked this during his African-Canadian history class while the white professor was explaining sharecropping. “I just want to keep the perspectives in this class fresh and diverse,” Hartland said. 

He felt he was doing his Black classmates a favor by sharing his causasian opinion because he feels like not enough caucasians do. 

“I’m sick of this class,” said classmate and Black student Anisa Edwards. “Last week, the white professor looked me in the eye, put his hand on my shoulder and said ‘I studied Black history for over a decade by the time I got my PhD. I know your struggle.’”

In his spare time, Hartland also asks hard-hitting questions like, “How come there’s no Straight Pride Parade?” and “Why aren’t there Men-Only gym hours at the RAC?”

Hartland believed leftists “lacked the steeliness” to consider such questions. Their minds were soft from getting face piercings, drinking non-dairy milk and watching obscene Netflix shows where homosexuals kiss and rub their butts together.

He, however, toughened his brain by watching Ben Shapiro videos. He avoided taking politics courses poisoned by leftist profs. He thought universities ostracized brilliant thinkers like Jordan Peterson and Theodore Kaczynski. The only university he trusted was PragerU.

Hartland didn’t see anything wrong with his beliefs. He simply despised unequal treatment and wanted to make sure nobody had extra privileges. In elementary school, he hated the fact that the student who was a paraplegic got a wheelchair but he didn’t.

Instead of being given a mobility device, Hartland argued his classmate could use his arms to crawl around the school. To prove his point, Hartland used his upper body to drag himself across the playground. 

Hartland used his wit to lampoon what he considered “puritan PC culture.” When his friend bad-mouthed mangos, Hartland said “Hey, that’s offensive! I identify as a mango!” When his neighbour knocked the weather, Hartland said “Hey, that’s offensive! I identify as a snowstorm!”

He was uncomfortable with the fact that his girlfriend used to date a Black man, but he’d never say that out loud. 

To silence accusations of racism, Hartland kept a journal where he recorded every positive interaction he had with a person of colour. Some entries went:

Complimented Black classmate on his hair. Solidified compliment by touching  it.

Smiled at math professor with weird, impossible to pronounce name.

After all, how could he be racist if he loved Captain Holt in Brooklyn Nine-Nine?


Leave a Comment