EIC who led paper through yearlong shitshow finally defeated by shih-poo

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By The Cheetah (News) Girls

It was week eight of self-isolation when now-former editor-in-chief Sarah Krichel died. 

The death felt unnecessary and rude after Krichel successfully led the newsroom through the year of the Ryerson University Shitshow,™ which included: the Student Choice Initiative, more Ryerson Students’ Union drama, campus construction and COVID-19. 

It was like nothing could defeat her—until one afternoon during The Eyeopener’s masthead meeting via Google Meet.

News editor Alexandra Holyk had just finished ranting about her Ukrainian Jesus camp when Krichel decided to do four sets of her infamous flamingo leg—a backwards roundhouse kick that sends the horrifying sound of her bones cracking all the way across the Greater Toronto Area.

Suddenly, the sound of demon-like barking emerged from Krichel’s home, overpowering the melody of crunching joints. All Eye editors immediately lowered the volume on their laptops as Krichel’s shih-poo, Dixie, began to have yet another tantrum. Everyone was used to it—Dixie often interrupted to protest Krichel’s flamingo leg exercise, the only living being brave enough to tell her that it’s gross.

But this time, the barking was different. 

Krichel’s audio started breaking up as her screen froze. The image was too pixelated to make out, but the editors could have sworn Dixie was standing behind Krichel, teeth bared.

“Hel-…snarl…my leg it’s…woof woof…..Dixie shut up…guys-…” was all that The Eye masthead was able to make out.

Biz and tech editor Nathaniel Crouch, who was most proficient in pressing buttons, turned on the captions feature to try and help Krichel. But because Google Meet censors curse words, all they could make out was “Oh f**k, oh s**t, get off me D****ie.” None of the editors were able to translate quickly enough because their brains are too smooth. 

Suddenly, there was silence from Krichel and the group was notified that she had left the meeting. Confused as to whether they could finally end their five and a half hour call, the masthead waited in silence for further instructions. But their editor-in-chief had vanished. One by one, editors started logging out, remembering that they had lives outside The Eye

At around 4:30 a.m. the following morning, communities editor Dhriti Gupta and features editor Catherine Abes—quintessential water signs—were still up on Google Meet, processing their emotions as Abes fully cried, while Gupta pretended not to cry (she was crying).

Then, Krichel re-joined the meeting…but something was wrong.

Gupta spoke first. “Hey, Sarah? Um, are you there? I don’t know if you did something different with your eyeliner—not that it’s bad! It’s lovely. But you kind of look like Dixie right now? Haha..?”

But this was no makeup effect: Dixie was online, with Krichel’s flamingo leg in her mouth. Looking at all of the editors, Dixie tossed the leg aside, smiled devilishly, and stared into their souls with her beady death-coloured eyes, then howled.

Using the captions feature, the editors read, “I am the leader now! Ding dong the b***h is dead and I’m not finished yet! If you ever want to see your ‘leader’ again, you can find her in the archive room. Woof woof woof!!!!”

The screen went black and the words, “The meeting has ended,” were written on the screen. Suddenly, Abes got a text from an unknown number. 

“You’re up next. Woof woof, fucker.”

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