By Catherine Abes
Ryerson frosh is normally underwhelming due to the fact that the majority of students need to leave by 10 p.m. to catch the GO train home. This leaves the small percentage of residence students left to drink, form blood pacts and decide how much of their lanyard should hang out of their pocket so you know they definitely live in residence.
But due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this year’s incoming students will instead be disenchanted by the reality of Ryerson’s party life by attending their frosh entirely through Zoom.
The theme for this year’s orientation is RU Online? and will include events such as: Icebreakers That Aren’t Uncomfortable (We Promise!), Guess How Tall I Am Through My Webcam and E-boy Style is for Everyone: Changing Your Look for Zoom Campus.
First-year nursing student Kayla Whiteclaw said virtual frosh is definitely, like, the worst part about the pandemic but she’s confident she’ll be able to get #PitLit from her upper-middle class home in Oakville.
“I’m going to have a responsible gathering with my social circle; you know, just my 9 friends then all the people in their bubbles, plus a couple extra because we’ve been really safe all summer,” she said. “Not everyone goes to Ryerson but sometimes you have to compromise, you know?”
Whiteclaw said she is most excited for the online rave night. She’s already started setting up a shotgun station, ordered some culturally appropriative face jewels and organized a rotating schedule of frat boys to hover in her personal space before asking if she comes here often or slinking away into the night.
Austin Pre, a professional iMessage beer pong athlete and reigning i-Pong World Champion, said attending frosh virtually from the comfort of his mom’s basement is actually “still a full send.”
“I was so nervous I was going to embarrass myself,” the incoming first-year computer science student said. “I never got into real beer pong because there’s so many rules, man. There’s no way I’m running a mile naked just for not sinking a cup. But now I can impress the homeslices with my supreme i-Pong skills.”
Pre said he is also “psyched” that no one can see his Hulk-like muscular thumbs, which have been toned from years of playing iMessage games.
“I’m also pretty sick at iMessage 8 ball, but it’s not as fun because I can’t get drunk,” Pre said.
In an interview with The Eyeopener, Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi made it clear that in spite of the remote nature of orientation, underage drinking still won’t be tolerated.
“Ryerson has partnered with Zoom, who has agreed to monitor students through their webcams during and after orientation events and ask them for I.D. if they see consumption of liquids out of solo cups,” said Lachemi. “It’s not cyberstalking! It’s innovation.”
When asked what the university will do if students have put a sticky note over their webcam, Lachemi said “yOuR fREe ForTy mInUTe cAlL iS Up” in his best robot voice possible and hung up—despite the fact that he definitely pays for Zoom Pro by charging full tuition for online courses. He did not respond to further requests for comment.
Just Chad, a first-year student in the Ted Rogers School of Management and Kappa Koopa Troopa Ratta Toota fraternity recruit, said he’s feeling very oppressed by the administration taking away his right to party (which coincidentally occurred immediately after his pops caught him smoking and his mom threw away his best porno mag).
“This pandemic isn’t even real,” he said. “The left just made it up because they don’t believe in hard-earned wealth. I’m sick of these handouts.”
Chad said he was looking forward to a week of having a beer bong with every meal after several months of gruelling work at his father’s law firm, where he occasionally made his own coffee and spun around in the comfy spinny spin chair. Now, he feels like he’ll be missing out on his Authentic University Experience™ at the open downtown campus that uses a movie theatre, the top of a Canadian Tire and a former high school building as lecture space.
“How can the homies help tape Fireball to my other hand if the homies are inside my screen?” he said. “Without them I can only be Edward Fortyhand. It’s just not the same. It’s just not the same online.”