The mysterious case of Beans the husky

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By Merida Moffat

Another fall is beginning, which means more time devoted to our favourite school: Zoom University. Instead of books and running late to class, it’s ebooks and sleeping through lectures because nobody should be scheduling an online course at 9 a.m. 

Profs are inventing new ways to spice up Zoom calls, bringing mostly cringy but sometimes cute things to the table. And do I ever have a story for you about one particular prof. 

Enter my business class—yes, the one I was dreading the entire summer. It’s one of the early ones too. Unenthusiastic students pour into the chat, dropping their Soundclouds and Instagrams, creating the absolute chaos of 300 students on one call. That’s great on your Wi-Fi bandwidth, right? 

Brad “Call Me Brad” Nelson, your favourite business professor™, is your typical “nice business guy who won’t admit he’s genuinely scared of debating leftists.” (Just don’t ask him his thoughts on fair trade, unless you agree that fair trade is bad and exploiting underpaid labour is good.) One day during his dreaded business class, Brad thought it would be fun to tell us all about his dog.

Now this dog, a small husky whose name was Beans, was one of the cutest dogs we had ever indirectly seen. The professor had many photos to share of his dog doing various activities like having a bubble bath or chewing on a bone, which inspired intrigue and curiosity in our caffeinated minds. 

But tragically, Beans would never make a live appearance. In exclusive footage obtained by The Eyeopener (we illegally recorded the lecture), we can see the professor address said dog—but never let the students see it. 

This raised many questions. Will this dog ever appear? Is this dog even real? Are we even real? Only time and a constant barrage of “SHOW US YOUR DOG!” messages will tell. Students can only hope that one day the mysterious dog—and perhaps with it the meaning of life—will be revealed. 

Much rage has been expressed on Ryerson Confessions about Nelson, who allegedly interacted with his dog during the lecture but didn’t let the students see it. Many believe this was an injustice to the beautiful dog, who deserves everyone’s collective love and attention, especially during lectures. 

However, some of my classmates think the dog could just be a hoax. 

“Maybe he actually has a different type of dog,” said a student titled I_h8_it_h3re. “Or maybe he has a cat instead. Or some other pet like a unicorn? It could be someone else’s dog?” The possibilities are truly endless.

“I am going to exclusively eat beans as a form of protest until Nelson shows us Beans,” said one student with the username MyHairIsLongerThanGouldStreetConstruction. “I also just really like beans in general so this really isn’t going to change my life in any significant way.” 

So, this is a message to all the professors with pets: If you love them, chances are we love them too. Even if you hadn’t originally intended on showing off your pet, I think I speak for every student in encouraging you to do so. 

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